Archived Questions and Answers
"My daughter is a successful singer. I give her whatever she wants. Yes, I spoil her: she eats junk food, plays as much on her computer as she wants, sleeps when she’s ready. I know I should be more strict, but why if she’s already successful and happy?"
-LadyRahRah
Hello LadyRahrah,
First, letting her eat as much junk food as she wants, getting too little sleep and sitting in front of a screen all day really just aren’t healthy for your daughter. She may be a success as a singer based upon accolades, competitions, releases, whatever. But, real success is about happiness, too, and not just temporary pleasure from playing a video game or eating a cupcake, but overall happiness.
So the true test is can she be happy when she doesn’t get all that she wants? Because if her happiness is based on you fulfilling her desires, then that’s not real happiness. It just feels like it is until that moment wears thin and you are forced to give her something else she wants. If she has to live her life that way, no matter how wonderfully she sings and how many singles she sells or how many hits she gets on YouTube, she won’t be happy deep inside, and she can’t truly be successful without the happiness component.
There are countless stories of “successful” athletes and celebrities who thought that buying this item and paying for that service would make them happy, and when it didn’t they turned to drugs to fill the void.
Success isn’t success without happiness, and happiness is more than being pleased for getting what you want. Happiness is not getting what you want, but rather, wanting what you have.
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“I have two kids, a daughter, 11 yrs old. She is participating in several activities after school like piano (45 mins twice a week), drawing (2 hrs once a week) and swimming (1 hr once a week). The school timing is from 7:30 to 4:30.
My daughter is asking for more activities to participate in like basketball and tennis (1 hr once a week each). However, my husband sees this as too much.
I also have the same case with my son, 8 yrs old, who is also participating in mental math (2hrs once a week), football (1 hr twice a week), guitar (45mins twice a week) after school and gymnastics (1 hr twice a week), drama (1 hr once a week) and swimming (1 hr twice a week) during the school time. My son is also asking for more like tennis and basketball.
I don't know what to do. Please advise”
-Dima
Hello Dima,
From what you have told me, it does sound like you are spreading your children's spare time pretty thinly. But, it also sounds as though your children are asking for more.
It's hard to find a balance in situations like this. It's crucial to let your children have opportunities to experience their interests, passions and strengths. But, it's also important that children have some down time.
Are they getting their school work done and keeping up their grades? Do they have social lives outside of these activities? Are they having fun? Is there any possibility that they feel pressure to do these activities to get approval?
I ask this because, I think if it were me, I'd decide not to add any more to their already full plates. If they wanted to do more, I'd wait until one season ended and then have them take up something to fill that spot if they still wanted to.
Hope that helps.
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“I tell my daughter she’s an incredible cheerleader because I want her to have belief in herself, but the truth is she really isn’t an incredible cheerleader, and I think she knows it. How can I help her believe in herself?”
-Adam K. (Hobart, IN)
Hello Adam,
There are a couple of issues at play here, Adam. First, you can’t instill belief in your daughter when you don’t believe your own words. The idea is to believe for her at first to get the ball rolling, but just saying she rocks isn’t enough. If you don’t believe it, why should she?
You can tell her that you see incredible improvement (if you do), or that you notice how hard she works (if she does). But, if she’s just going through the motions, good chance not only is cheerleading not her strength, but probably isn’t her passion.
Remember, part of what makes a Safety Net Parent is honesty. If cheerleading isn’t her bag, there are ways to let her know gently, but then be sure you have identified what she is good at as well as what she’s passionate about. If she wants to continue cheer, so be it, but also give her the opportunity to follow her passions and strengths.
Now, you can start believing for her and this time she’ll believe you. Once she sees your faith in her, she’ll start to realize her potential and can start envisioning her successes.
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“I want my six-year old daughter to give back, but we scrape by ourselves, living on government assistance. Anything we get we can’t afford to give. What can I do to help my daughter?”
-Mindy S.
Hello Mindy,
There’s more than one way to give back, and it really doesn’t have to cost you one red cent. Once I discovered that one of my third grade students had smuggled a baby bunny to class in her backpack all day long. By the end of the week, the animal died as a result of how it had been mistreated. The girl loved her bunny, but also knew what she had done was wrong, so I teamed her up with a local organization that takes in abandoned rabbits learning to care for them, clean their cages, feed them, etc… for a day over the weekend.
Not only did she learn a lesson and how to care for rabbits, but she fell in love with the organization and became a regular weekend volunteer.
There are organizations of every kind, Mindy. Find what interests your daughter and call up an organization that may deal with that area and ask how your daughter can help.
Let me tell you. I grew up in poverty: food stamps, dumpster diving, the whole nine yards. My parents were very much like you, not able to help others financially. As a result, I was never one to volunteer or help charities in my youth. Therefore, when I became an adult and established myself a bit better financially, I still had that mentality that I needed to hold on to my funds to be sure I never fell back into the financial situation of my youth. So, I very rarely made financial donations or contributions. I had to force and remind myself that I can afford to support my local school, that I could sponsor a breast cancer walk participant.
I didn’t want my daughters to have to struggle with this as I had, so I made it a point to get them involved with community early on.
Mindy, your daughter is still young enough for you to instill this trait in her. And, when she does grow up and gets her feet under her financially, making the transition from volunteering to donating will be that much easier.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“When do I know if I need to push for persistence or if my son just really is no longer interested and no longer cares about the goal anymore? Basically I need to know if he’s just being lazy and needs to push through, or if he really is no longer passionate.”
-Darcy1712
Hello Darcy1712,
Part of the role we play as Safety Net Parents is balance, knowing when to give slack and when to tighten up. The thing is, we’re not perfect. We will inevitably make mistakes, and when we do, we own up to them and make the proper corrections, but as a parent I absolutely want to avoid being a Tiger Dad, forcing my kid to excel at something he loathes. Yet, I also don’t want to be a Free Range Parent allowing my child to go with what he feels at the moment.
There are two factors I look at in this situation. First, if he balks and hesitates, but it’s a responsibility, I don’t care if he’s passionate or not about it. He needs to follow through. So, that means if it’s chores around the house, if it’s a school assignment, if it has something to do with his part-time job, he needs to push through even if he doesn’t want to straighten his room, write the history essay, or go in to work just because his friends are all going to the beach.
And, I’ll tell you why. Real life isn’t so malleable. There are things in adults’ lives that we don’t want to do: get up and go to work, change the baby’s diaper, mow the lawn, but we do them because that’s what makes life proceed without all the speed bumps. Some may argue that a child will get there soon enough. Why not allow them the freedom from these responsibilities for as long as possible? The answer is because we do them a disservice if we allow them to give up when the task is less than desirable, because when we’ve decided they no longer need us to “save” them, they’ll have had no experience with dealing with monotonous tasks and will have difficulty making the transition.
The other time I have my daughters stick it out even if they want to give in is when the task is not complete. “I don’t want to play on the soccer team any more”, “This book is boring”, “This picture is too hard to draw.”
My response: “If you want to stop when it’s over, you are free to, but we don’t quit in the middle.” So, yes, I tell my girls they need to play out the soccer season, finish reading the book, and complete the picture. It gives them practice at persistence even when they want to give up, while giving them the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, if my girl really is no longer passionate about soccer, she has an out at season’s end.
Interestingly though, by having them stick it out until the end, we often discover that the passion remains, and they were just going through a slump. A goal, an exciting chapter, a surprising combination of colors can be all it takes for them to remember their love for the task. When the book is over, she may head to the library for the next book in the series. She may love the picture and post it on her wall. She may ask to be on the soccer team the following year.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“What if I let my daughter fail or I even beat her at a game or activity as you suggest, then she starts to feel bad about herself? She feels worthless and starts saying things like ‘I’m no good at this,’ or ‘I never win anything.’ Won’t that destroy her confidence?”
-Andrew C.
Hello Andrew,
Look, it’s easy to rush in to your daughter’s defense when she makes self-deprecating comments. Saying, “No, sweetie, you’re really good at soccer,” isn’t going to help. It’ll only add fuel to the fire.
According to Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph. D, a psychotherapist in Westchester, NY, “Rather than immediately disagreeing with your child’s assessment, give her a chance to experience her feelings,” while you remain calm. Your response needs to be empathetic and noncritical: “Soccer can be a tough sport. It can be frustrating. Soccer takes a lot of practice.” It tells your daughter you’re on her side without supporting her judgmental comments.
You must remember that our job is not to protect our children from failure. We let them fail, but we are the safety net below that keeps them from crashing.
When my daughters were babies we used Dr. Richard Ferber’s method to teach them to sleep alone in their cribs. The idea is that you let your child cry it out for five minutes, come in, reassure them that they are safe and loved, and you leave again, but for ten minutes this time. The process continues, increasing the time apart five more minutes until the child sleeps.
This was so hard for my wife and me. We stood at that doorway that first night and those five minutes felt like five hours as we listened to our baby cry. We had to fight our natural parental urges to rush in and scoop up our daughter, but the thing is, a little discomfort was not going to kill our girl. We did this for both of our daughters and by the third night each had learned to sleep on their own. Our daughters felt comfortable in their cribs and they knew they were safe and loved.
Looking back I realized the real issue was not how my toddler was feeling, but really how I was feeling about how my toddler was feeling. I felt guilty. I was the one who was suffering, not my baby.
The same thing happens when we let our children fail. We don’t want them to feel bad, but the truth is they survive and the failure strengthens them. If we protect our children from failure, that’s really for our benefit, and it’s selfish, because we feel like the heroes at the expense of our children’s futures.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“My 3-year old's favorite word right now. We tell him to do something and he says no. We tell him to get back to the table so he can eat, and he says no. We tell him to help clean up his toys and he ignores us. Help!
I know 3 is a very important age where he's trying to find where he can be independent in his life, but he hits his brother and yells and screams and will. Not. Listen.
When he's screaming because he isn't getting his way we try to let him finish his thoughts and talk with him, but he will interrupt us as soon as we say anything he doesn't want to hear. Then it seems like it makes the meltdown worse.
Any advice would be appreciated! We've tried counting and timeout and putting him in his room for a few minutes, but he continues to ignore and disobey, and screams and hits if he doesn't get his way.
My wife and I feel like all the hard work we've put into our firstborn has gone to crap because nothing works. It's his way or a massive meltdown. He's great with his little brother (18 months old) and we give them both attention and love. We know he's not jealous, but he just refuses to stray from what he currently wants to do. It's all very discouraging.
We like to learn about parenting methods and styles and have your Safety-Net book, but it seems like nothing helps.”
-Mac
Hello Mac,
I feel your pain. There are stages throughout parenthood/childhood. Some are so great, and others you wonder how you will ever get through them, as well as wondering, "Is this just a phase, or is this who my child is?"
Of course I don't know your child, but I would bet, as you have implied, that this is just a phase. He's trying to figure out his identity separate from you. That means, he needs to rebel and disagree. So, this is normal...keep that in mind, but you need to also let him know what's appropriate and what's not. And, I know you have done that, but it's not changing his behavior. You are ready to pull your hair out, because you are over this behavior of his.
My guess is that you need to be more stubborn than he is. He needs to know that what you say, you will stick to...no...matter...what!
Examples: you tell him to get back to the table so he can eat. He says no. Then, let him know he has a choice (I think it's important that you let him know that he does get to decide): he can get back to the table and eat or he can head to his room. If he chooses the room, he'll stay there until he's ready to come out and eat. If the food gets cold, it will not be reheated. When he chooses to test this, you take him to his room and tell him he will stay there until you come get him (probably 3 minutes), in essence a time-out. When he comes out the first time on his own, you tell him firmly, but not emotionally, that he chose to go to his room. You'll come get him in 3 minutes. If he comes out again before 3 minutes, no talking this time, just take him back. And, you do this until he realizes that you are not going to waver. Do not let him push your buttons.
When he finally comes out after his three minutes, you can offer him his now-cold food. If he doesn't want to eat it, then he's done with his dinner. If he's hungry later, you've saved it, and can offer it to him again. No dessert. No treats. What questions do you have about this?
When he yells during a meltdown, let him know that you love him and want to hear him, but your ears don't hear that kind of talk. Ask him to try to say it calmly. If he can't, give him a crayon and paper and ask him to draw what he's upset about and then to call you over when he's done. Then, ask him to explain what he's drawn. That will hopefully give him time to calm, and because he has to describe his drawing, he'll have to think before talking. Also, it gives you a way to start to have this conversation that he needs.
As far as hitting, I'm sure you have told him that hitting is unacceptable. You might want to create a contract poster for your home. I don't know if you take him to the park regularly or if there is a favorite show he watches or a treat you might buy him. Instead of allowing these things for him, consider having him earn them by reducing (and eventually eliminating) the hitting. So, I don't know how often he hits, but you can create a daily goal with stickers, and tell him that if he hits only once for the day, he can watch his show, and if he can avoid hitting altogether, you'll take him to the library (remember, make this work for you...decide the goal, if it's daily or weekly, and what the rewards are). As he gets better, you set the goals higher, until it's about not hitting at all each day. Then you can make it a reward if he goes without hitting for three days, then a week, etc...
If he forgets or loses control and doesn't earn the reward, no matter how much he pleads, be strong. Tell him you love him, but that he chose to hit. Hug him and tell him maybe he'll earn it tomorrow. Questions?
I hope this helps. Good luck.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How can I let my daughter fail at school when that failure will also be partly connected to me? I can’t let her turn in a crappy science project and get a D when all the other kids are turning in these wonderful pieces. I’ll look like an awful parent. The teacher will assume I’m not doing my job.”
-CantLetHerGo
Hello CantLetHerGo,
We are so incredibly closely connected to our children that when they triumph we feel as though we have a part in that success. So, when they fail, it’s easy to feel like we have failed too, at being a parent.
I don’t know what your daughter’s peers are turning in for the science fair, and I’m not sure what grade she’s in, but I’ve taught science to nine-year olds for seventeen years and I can always spot the projects that the kids did alone, that the parents helped with, and the ones parents did late into the evening as their kids slept or watched Sponge Bob.
If your daughter does the work herself and it’s good quality, the teacher will know she did it alone, and will probably be grateful (I know I always am) that she got the experience. Giving her a little help or tips along the way is fine. I used to help with hot gluing projects when my daughters were younger, because they would burn themselves with the glue gun.
If your daughter gets a low grade because she didn’t do acceptable work, who the heck cares what anyone thinks about you!? She deserves the grade! Period.
Get over your ego. Your child didn’t do the work. She got a bad grade. Now what? Don’t go in and save her by talking the teacher into changing her score because it will look bad on you. Instead, talk to the teacher and ask what needs to be done differently next time. Then, talk to your girl about the grade. Does she think she did her best? How much time did she spend on it? Is it quality work?
Then ask what she’ll do differently next time. Tell her you can support her, give her tips and ideas, but it’s her project, not yours. Rise above your concerns about what people might think of you and focus on your daughter
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“What if my child doesn’t learn from failure? He just doesn’t seem to care. I let him make mistakes so he can do better the next time, but he lacks any motivation and never tries to improve on his failures. What do me and my husband do?”
-Alice W.
Hello Alice,
Here’s the answer you don’t want to hear: we can’t make anyone care about anything. We can give our children reasons why they should care. We can impose consequences, but caring is something out of our reach. Ultimately it comes from within.
For this reason Safety Net Parents focus on passions. Passions are precisely what our children do care about. Your son may be failing math and may be going half-speed at his part-time job. He gets an F and the boss tells him that he could lose his job. You’d figure this would wake him up and he’d learn from his mistakes. But, if he’s not excited about his job and he doesn’t care about his grades, he just won’t be motivated to improve.
So, what do you do? Get him excited about what he’s passionate about. He loves to draw graphic comics. So, give him opportunities to see and feel success here. Once he’s excited about his successes, use that to motivate him in another area: “Get a ‘C’ on your next math test and I’ll take you to ComiCon,” “Get to work on time and get a good report from your manager and I’ll match your next paycheck so you can buy extra art supplies.
And, finally, Alice, your son’s situation is precisely why I suggest starting success early in a child’s life. When a child has it in their head early on that they have the ability to be successful, they tend to accept that as part of who they are, even when they are faced with a challenge that has nothing to do with their strengths or passions. They may not like it, but they’ve accepted early on that they are people who can and will overcome their failures.”
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How do I know where the line is between finding my kids opportunities and encouraging them, versus pushing them?”
-Philip
Hello Philip,
When we are talking chores around the house, part time jobs, or schoolwork, don’t worry about that line. Encourage them and if they don’t respond, push them, because those are responsibilities. Children need to learn that there are things in life that we parents do because we need to: pay the bills, go to work, clean the house, wash our clothes, change the baby, etc…
Where you want to watch the line is the extracurricular activities: sports, hobbies, clubs, and the like. If your kids are excited by an activity, ask them if they would like your help finding them opportunities. If they do, find them, but don’t follow through until you tell them about what you’ve found. You want to give them the final say, which will build their autonomy. They need to know this is their choice.
If they are not into what you have found for them, you can ask why (information you can store in your files for the future), but don’t try to make them do something they obviously don’t want to. You can offer your side as to why you think it’s a good choice, but then leave it alone and move on.
You do need to be wary, though, that some children will cave even if they aren’t thrilled with the idea, because they don’t want to cause conflict or because they want to please you. That’s what Riley was doing with me. So, be sure you have a good open line of communication with your children. You know them better than anyone else. If you sense they are only doing it for you, pull back. I know it’s hard, but you don’t want them resenting the activity or you down the road.
The other area you need to be aware of is that some children do need a nudge. Grace tends to shy away from anything new. So, there are times we will nudge her, because we know that if we don’t she will never try a new activity. If you are nudging, be sure you are doing it not because it will make you feel better, but because you know that it’s what your children need to make them happier down the road. And, if you are wrong, be willing to apologize and pull back.
As far as knowing if you’ve pushed, you have if you are making your children participate although they’ve expressed how much they hate doing it. You’ve pushed if you are making them go “for their own good”. If you say, “You’ll thank me when you’re my age,” that’s too long for delayed gratification, and you’re probably pushing.
The best way to know where that line is drawn is by creating a great line of two-way communication between you and your children. Ask them questions. Listen to what they are saying. Watch how they are reacting. Then, decide if this is for them or for you.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How can I really expect success from my 13-year old boy? He’s never really been successful at anything. He doesn’t do well in school, isn’t motivated, and doesn’t have many friends. He likes TV, his computer and video games. You say I need to have true expectations for him and not go through the motions. How can I believe in his success when I don’t believe in his success?”
-Susan H.
Hello Susan,
You both seem to be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and going nowhere. He doesn’t believe he can be successful so he’s given up. Because he’s given up, you haven’t seen success, so it’s hard for you to have any feeling behind the “atta boy” script. He hears this in your voice, which strengthens his assurance that he is a failure. You see him drop the ball again and that strengthens the point that he’s going nowhere.
To break the cycle, it looks like it may need to start with you. Maybe your definition of success needs some tweaking. If it’s only schoolwork or sports or his social circles that you are evaluating for success, maybe you need to expand your target area. Does he enjoy writing or art? Can he identify species of beans (yes, I just asked that)? How does he do with the family pet? You say he loves video games. He must be getting pretty good at them.
Find something, one thing, that you know he is into, that he does well at, and hang your hat on it. For example, say you have a dog and it just loves your son, and your son feels close to the pet. Have him teach the dog to sit or shake or fetch or whatever. It takes time. It takes patience. He’ll be elated when the dog responds to his training. And, when he does, you’ll see your son has what it takes to succeed at something. That will give you faith in him. If he can train the dog, maybe he can reach the next goal. It doesn’t have to be big. You just have to believe in him.
When you do, he’ll see it, and he’ll want to work harder to achieve the goal he wants and that you have whole-heartedly encouraged him to do.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I don't hit my kids but when i was young if i did something wrong i'd get spanked. I don't want to end up in the habit of spanking my kids. What would you suggest when my 3 year old won't listen? If, for example, it's bed time and he keeps coming out of his room (he sleeps in the dark with the door closed over but not shut). We'll tell him to stay in bed a good 20 times. Even when we're in bed with the lights off. there are a few other instances like this but any thoughts?"
-Mac O.
Hello Mac,
When I was a chid, I was also hit, and no matter what we know is right as adults, it's very hard not to repeat the patterns our parents did when we were young, good or bad. So, kudos for you for not resorting to what you might naturally lean toward.
I don't think that there's one answer for every situation. You have to take each one individually, but you did mention the bedtime situation. It will probably get harder before it gets easier. You'll need to invest in some difficult nights in order to get things on track for the long haul.
Your son needs to know that he doesn't get to dictate what happens in the house. You can respect him and love him, but you are the parents. And, you need to define that role early on. That means you let him know before the routine starts that you expect him to stay in bed and not get up tonight. Before putting him to bed ask if there's anything that he needs before he goes to bed, in order to avoid excuses later.
Then, put him to bed, kiss him and tell him you love him. When he gets up out of bed, try your best to stay under control (this will be tough the later the night goes). Remind him it's bedtime and grab his hand calmly and walk him back to his room. Kiss. "I love you". Head out. Second time around, tell him again a bit firmer and give a quick kiss and "I love you." After that lead him back to his room. Do not engage him. Do not talk with him. If you engage or talk, he gets what he wants...attention from you, positive or negative.
He'll probably come out again. And, you will repeat this...like a broken record. You will get tired and you will wonder if you can last...the truth is, you can. And, once you do, he realizes that Mom and Dad mean business. He also learns that he can go to bed like a big boy.
If you continue to do this each night, he'll push less and less, until the night when he realizes, "What's the point?"
I wish I could say I made this up, but I didn't. Here's a link to SuperNanny who is the Queen of this bedtime routine (http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Routine-and-Teamwork/Getting-Toddlers-to-Stay-in-Bed.aspx).
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I want to give my son opportunities like you mention, but I’m not sure where to start. Do I just pick a random sport or activity? Should I start with things I liked at his age? Help"
-GloriGold17
Hello GloriGold17,
I don’t think you need to discover the path for your son’s opportunity. Remember, a Safety Net Parent’s job is to give him the opportunities the best way you know how. But, he already has an interest. Could be a sport; may be an activity. But, there’s a good chance, GloriGold17, that it’s not what you loved at his age.
Remember, you need to watch you son. Listen to what he tells you. Discover his interests. Once you do, then go ahead and find ways to give him opportunities to explore these. Could be at home. Might be going to a museum or working on a project. Maybe he takes a class or learns online. But, don’t throw a dart at a map and start there. Success may not be an exact science, but it definitely ain’t just dumb luck.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“My daughter is a great pianist, but hates to play. Are you telling me to throw all those years and all that money away because she's not passionate about piano? She's really good!"
-WWgama
Hello WWgama,
There are lots of ways, Manny. First, consider communicating with your wife, your daughter’s caregiver, her teacher and even her friends. I know you don’t get much time together, but set up direct communication with her. Start a conversation journal that yoI’m not telling you what to do, but if it’s just practice she’s griping about, that’s normal. Practicing for a driver’s test, dance practice, softball practice, sometimes these become tedious and may not be the most fun. We adults can relate to that. But, if she’s still driven by her performances, if she loves playing in front of the crowd, if she gets a thrill from the applause and a standing ovation, if she can’t wait to come home and compose, then that’s her passion. It’s just that, like everyone else, she’s got to wade through the muck we call practice to make her passion a strength.
But, if she can’t stand piano at all, then, yes, I’d suggest dropping it (after the season or the big recital or whatever natural stopping point might be). I know it kills you. You forked out the dough. You’ve driven her to practice. She’s spent countless hours tickling the ivories. Maybe you’ve even bought a piano. But, why? You want your daughter to be successful. If she’s not happy doing it, she’s not successful…sorry to break it to you.
Consider giving her a break from the piano. Set her free and let her explore soccer or pottery or photography, wherever her heart takes her. Look, she might feel compelled to return to the piano. Could be she just needs a break so she can learn that she really does love it.
One of Riley’s close friends in grade school was an incredible level-seven gymnast. Watching her do flips, round-offs and back handsprings was jaw-dropping. The girl had such powerful legs and the shoulders and biceps of a true athlete. She was one of six children in her family, and her parents were looking for niches to get each kid into college. For this daughter they were banking on a gymnastics scholarship.
The girl was good, had won many championships and seemed to be destined for unparalleled greatness (get it?). But then one day she told her parents she was done. They were devastated, but she explained it wasn’t fun any longer. Although continuing could very well have paid her college tuition and gotten her on a box of Wheaties, her parents knew she wouldn’t be successful if she wasn’t happy doing double back-hand springs. So, they let her move away from the sport and possibly take out student loans for college.
Keep in mind, I’m referring to hobbies and extracurricular activities here. This does not apply to chores around the house, schoolwork or their part time jobs. These are their responsibilities, like them or not. If they don’t like doing them, they can throw in the towel once they leave your home (chores), graduate or drop out of school (homework), or quit or get a new job (work).
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. Let your daughter go (with regard to piano). If she returns, piano is hers. If she doesn’t, it really never was.
I’m not telling you what to do, but if it’s just practice she’s griping about, that’s normal. Practicing for a driver’s test, dance practice, softball practice, sometimes these become tedious and may not be the most fun. We adults can relate to that. But, if she’s still driven by her performances, if she loves playing in front of the crowd, if she gets a thrill from the applause and a standing ovation, if she can’t wait to come home and compose, then that’s her passion. It’s just that, like everyone else, she’s got to wade through the muck we call practice to make her passion a strength.
But, if she can’t stand piano at all, then, yes, I’d suggest dropping it (after the season or the big recital or whatever natural stopping point might be). I know it kills you. You forked out the dough. You’ve driven her to practice. She’s spent countless hours tickling the ivories. Maybe you’ve even bought a piano. But, why? You want your daughter to be successful. If she’s not happy doing it, she’s not successful…sorry to break it to you.
Consider giving her a break from the piano. Set her free and let her explore soccer or pottery or photography, wherever her heart takes her. Look, she might feel compelled to return to the piano. Could be she just needs a break so she can learn that she really does love it.
One of Riley’s close friends in grade school was an incredible level-seven gymnast. Watching her do flips, round-offs and back handsprings was jaw-dropping. The girl had such powerful legs and the shoulders and biceps of a true athlete. She was one of six children in her family, and her parents were looking for niches to get each kid into college. For this daughter they were banking on a gymnastics scholarship.
The girl was good, had won many championships and seemed to be destined for unparalleled greatness (get it?). But then one day she told her parents she was done. They were devastated, but she explained it wasn’t fun any longer. Although continuing could very well have paid her college tuition and gotten her on a box of Wheaties, her parents knew she wouldn’t be successful if she wasn’t happy doing double back-hand springs. So, they let her move away from the sport and possibly take out student loans for college.
Keep in mind, I’m referring to hobbies and extracurricular activities here. This does not apply to chores around the house, schoolwork or their part time jobs. These are their responsibilities, like them or not. If they don’t like doing them, they can throw in the towel once they leave your home (chores), graduate or drop out of school (homework), or quit or get a new job (work).
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. Let your daughter go (with regard to piano). If she returns, piano is hers. If she doesn’t, it really never was.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I don’t have time to watch and listen to discover my child’s passion. It’s not because I don’t want to, but I have two jobs and work nights. I sleep while my daughter is at school. How do I connect with her to learn her passions?”
Hello Manny,
There are lots of ways, Manny. First, consider communicating with your wife, your daughter’s caregiver, her teacher and even her friends. I know you don’t get much time together, but set up direct communication with her. Start a conversation journal that you both write in. Ask her about her day and tell her about yours.
Each day when she gets home she reads your message, then writes back to you. Each morning when you get off work, you read her message and reply to her. You can also do this by leaving short video clips to each other on the computer. You can even email or text her afterschool when you get a minute.
Communication is key to discovering her passions. Always be cognizant of her interests in these exchanges of communication. Ask lots of questions and start to learn her passions.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"How can I find my child’s passion when all he does is play video games?”
-Justus8
Hello Justus8,
There are a couple of things to consider here. One, maybe technology is his thing. I know kids love to use tablets and smartphones and computers because of the content and the ability to communicate with one another. But, some kids, maybe your son, love technology because they are mesmerized by the advances and the possibilities.
Have you considered technology may be his passion? Has he created websites? Does he have ideas to develop apps? Would he enjoy making his own video game?
Or, maybe he’s living vicariously through the games. What kinds of games is he playing? Is he pretending to be LeBron James or Tim Tebow? Maybe his passion is sports, but he lacks confidence in his strength. See if you can get him involved in the real world, with what he plays in his virtual world (unless it’s “Call of Duty Black Ops” or something along those lines).
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"Why would a mother allow her daughter to see her father if he does not pay child support? The mother knows that her daughter wants to spend more than 30 hours a week with her father and has a very good relationship with her father.”
-Anonymous
Hi,
I can't tell you for sure why a specific mother would let her daughter see her father even though he's not paying child support, but I would surmise that she realizes the importance of her daughter having a connection with her father. Sure, he should pay his child support, but their daughter shouldn't suffer, especially since she has a good relationship with her father.
It sounds to me that Mom is being responsible and giving her daughter what she wants and needs, although Dad is unwilling or unable to support her financially. Yet, he does sound to be supporting her emotionally, which is good.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"What are some of the pros and cons of larger age gaps?
I have one child now whose 1yo, but my husband and I both want 4 kids. I've always wanted to have a larger gap. I think it will allow me to give each child enough of my time on bonding with me and on learning (chasing around 4 young kids means that I might not have the time or energy to go above and beyond). I also think that it might be better for their relationship with one another. I know my siblings and I were close in age and we fought like crazy, I think a bigger gap would foster more of a protective older sibling and admiring younger sibling, instead of constant fighting.
What are some downsides to a larger age gap? I know there is no perfect way to parent or family plan, but what do you think the pros and cons are?”
-Grace
Hi Grace,
A con for having a larger gap is that you and your husband have to do contend with the baby years for a much longer time. That means you will be living on little sleep for many years in a row. Also, when the kids have a larger gap, you will have teens and not-so-teens living together. I have that now (11 and 16) . Often, during those teen years, the older sibling wants little to do with the little one, because the "just don't understand" what life is like for a teen.
Pros for the large gap: you get a break between pregnancies and don't have to try to wrangle a bunch of little ones at the same time. The older ones can help you if needed with the little ones. During the earlier years, as well as the post-teen years, there can very well be a special bond between older and younger siblings with a few years between them. It gives the younger ones a model to look up to.
Siblings who are close do fight a lot, but so do the ones who are spaced out.
I know that doesn't give you a definitive answer as to which is "better" than the other. But, I am hoping that seeing the whole picture you will find which will work better for you, your husband, and your family.
Good luck and enjoy your family!
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"My daughter asked when could she have a boyfriend I responded let me think about it. It has been bothering me all day since I got from work. Should I let her date? Yes, she is an intelligent, mature, polite 14-year old young lady I just do not want her heart broken.”
-Tara
Hi Tara,
Let me start with telling you that no matter what a parent says, if a teen wants to "date", generally they will. If she likes a boy and the boy likes her, maybe they won't be official. Maybe they won't go out to the movies, but most will find ways to be together. Do you remember being her age? Did your parents keep you from dating? And, if so, did it really make a difference? If your parents didn't restrict you, think back to if they had, and if you and a boy were interested in one another, would you have found a way to still date him?
I have a a sixteen year old daughter. She is smart, fun to be around, and attractive. I have been concerned about boys for the last three years, but I have been fortunate. She's been so focused on school, cheerleading, her own business, and her friends, that boys have not been a part of the program just yet...but I know it's inevitable.
So, when she is ready to date, my wife and I will allow it, but we'd have to create parameters that work for our family. The thing is, young love is so powerful and intense that sometimes those parameters are created with twigs that they easily break through, but it's a place to start.
If your biggest concern is that she will be heart-broken, remember that she won't die from a broken heart, and that you can't keep her from them forever. She will probably experience many broken hearts before she finds the person she will commit to for life. The first is the hardest, but she has to starts somewhere.
If the reason you are hesitant to let her date is because of the heart-break aspect (not because the guys a jerk, or because it will interfere with her school work, or because you are afraid of her becoming sexually active, etc...) I would suggest you let her date with limitations that work for you, her and the family. You have to look at what you are comfortable with, what kind of daughter you have, your religious and moral beliefs, her away-from-home time requirements).
I wish you luck with this, and know that I will be in the same boat in no time.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I have lived life. I’ve gone through what my daughter has already. I know what’s right for her. I don’t want her making mistakes she’ll regret for life. I don’t care if she hates that I push her now. She’ll thank me later. Am I wrong here?”
-Cora (Newfield, NJ)
Hi Cora,
There’s really no wrong or right, Cora, but there is a best course to bring your daughter happiness and success. If you weigh her success over her happiness, then you are barking up the right tree. You are in Tiger Mom territory.
Now, if you are talking about her being responsible (doing her homework, completing household chores, etc…), then, it’s crucial that you push her now to teach her that life revolves around responsibilities. But, if you are talking about volleyball, or tap dancing or cello, and she truly loathes the activity, then I believe you are making a big mistake.
She may very well be terrific one day at whatever it is you are pushing on her today. And, it may make her famous or rich, but keep in mind, she doesn’t want to do it now. Just because she’s good at it later, doesn’t mean she’ll enjoy it, no matter how well she does it.
Then, she’ll be forced to continue to do what she’s always hated, because that’s the only way she knows how to bring in income. And, yes, she may get used to it, and sure, she may even thank you for giving her the opportunity to live a nice lifestyle and have fun toys, but will she truly be happy with who she is as a person? And, if the answer is no, Cora, then she isn’t successful.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I've got a question: why are girls10-12+so mean to each other especially on social media?"
-Lila
Hi Lila,
It starts right around fourth grade. Many girls start to become catty and cliquey. Not all girls do it, but this is when social connections become very important to them. So, finding a group is key. For some, making that group exclusive makes them feel better about themselves. So, they keep some out of the group and even attack online. Keep in mind, this is not all girls and boys are not immune to it. But, it's a very tough phase to go through.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I'm still going around and round with my daughter. She is 12 years old who thinks she's 30 years old. She doesn't talk. She barks loudly. It's amazing how one minute we get along great and the next you're the dummy that needs to get out of her life. Just as I think I've got the correct question or answer with the correct tone of voice I find out I'm wrong. One thing is for sure I'm learning to be understanding and keeping my mouth shut."
-April
Hi April,
Your daughter has started the "cocooning" process early. I came up with the term when I realized that my wonderful caterpillar of a girl is going through major chemical, physical, physiological and hormonal changes. She's fifteen.
The way she's different than a caterpillar, though, is that she doesn't get the cocoon to hide in during all of this selfishness and hormonal spikes. You can read more about it in this article I wrote for EmpoweringParents.com.
The beauty is that this is not really who she is. She'll come out on the other side of this metamorphosis as a a beautiful butterfly. The hard thing is for us to deal logically with this illogical creature. Reasoning works at times, and other times it doesn't. It makes us crazy as parents, but we need to remember that it makes her frustrated as well.
She may focus that frustration on us, but she doesn't like feeling this way either. She's moody. Her mom is embarrassing or out-dated or just always wrong.
So, what do you do? You try to understand that she really doesn't TRY to make your life miserable. She just can't help it. Life is all about her and there are reasons for that (see the article).
But, that doesn't mean let her off the hook for the next six years. Call her on her behavior. let her know what she said is insensitive and how it made you feel. She may pretend she doesn't care, but she still loves you and when the dust settles, she may ponder her behavior.
Will she apologize? If she's like my cocooner, probably not. Will her behavior change? She would like to think it will, but...probably not? Remember, she can't help it. Chemistry is a strong thing.
One more thing, April...think back to your teen and/or preteen years. Were you reasonable? Were you always kind? Here's what you can look forward to. She will spread her wings at some point. The hormones will settle. And, then you can pray to God that she has kids of her own, and just count the days until they are twelve and wait for her to call.
Hang in there.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I have a couple of issues as a father who is in need for advice. First of all, let me introduce myself. I am 26 yrs old, married to an amazing wife, with two kids, and a dog. We stay in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Now let's get to the issue.(the kids) They are both boys; one is 2 years old and the other one is 1. They are sweet at times, but are very frustrating to me when it comes down to keeping the apartment clean. They trash this apartment like it's a trash bin. I constantly cleans up to the point that I feels like a janitor. I puts all my pride into cleaning up because I love breathing cleanness of a house. Me and my wife tries to keep it clean, but them two as a team is a nightmare. We even made the 2nd bedroom out of a play pin for them by putting toys in there and a TV with cartoon on it, but instead, they drag the toys into the living room.
That's not all, they love to stay up late to where me and my wife doesn't have any alone or quality time together. The attention between me and her are blocked by those two rascals. And they wakes up so late like around 11am-12:30 pm at the most.( My 2 year old son's bed is next to our bed and our 1 year old sleeps in the bed with us. The 2 bedroom is across the other side of the apartment, but my wife does not like them that far from our bedroom due to safety reasons of fearing that someone would sneak in and take our kids.
Also, it's hard to teach my 2 year old to brush his teeth...all he wants to do is suck the tooth pasted off and bite down onto the tooth brush. Another issue is getting my 2 year old off pacifies. When we takes his away, he cries like some one is dying or he looses his, he steals his little brother's. Even when he goes without a pacifier, the moment he sees that we gave his brother a paci, he cries for his, especially at bed time.
Another issue is that all my 2 year old wants to eat is junk food (chips, candy, cake,etc.) I really need your advice. I am dad who wants to change a few things around the house professionally. Thanks in advice."
-Cornell
Hi Cornell,
You are dealing with more than just a few things here. Some are most easily dealt with thank others. Some you will need to wait out until the boys get a little older.
I am a father of two daughters, 10 and 15. I never had to contend with two toddlers at once. My hat off to you. Kids the age of your kids definitely have a difficult time understanding about putting toys away, but you can start laying the groundwork with the two year old. You might consider taking toys that they don't use and stick the aside in a tub and stash that tub for a month. That will reduce the amount of toys for them to mess the house with. Each month, recycle the toys they don't use with the ones in the tub. It's like getting new toys each month. If they are not excited by the toys after a month, they are telling you that they are no longer interested in them, and those are the toys for you to give away, donate or sell. With less toys in the house, be a bot tougher with the "play room". They are to play with toys in that room. If they want to bring a toy out to the living room, fine, but only one. If they want another, they must return the first toy. Be strong with them about it. Only one toy out of the playroom at a time. If they disobey, return the extra toy. If they continue (for the 2 year old) remove the toy, and return it the next day, as you repeat the rules.
As for staying up late, you must get them on a decent schedule that works for the entire family. So, it's not about what they want. It's about the boundaries and rules you create. Again, I have never had two toddlers at once, so I cannot speak from experience, but I do know that our daughters didn't want to sleep when we wanted them to at first, but we used the Ferber Method (more here: http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified_7755.bc). I'm not sure how that works with two little ones, but I do know that once you have gotten them on schedule life is easier. Little ones, though, do tend to wake up at night. So, that's to be expected.
Far be it from me to tell you that your children will be safe in their own room. I don't want to tell you to have them sleep there and something happen, but I would like to know if you truly think there's a likelihood of them being abducted from their own room, or is your wife being overprotective? If you can, I would suggest investing in a monitor and putting the boys in their own room, allowing them to learn to sleep on their own. Some will argue that kids should stay with their parents as long as they can, but I believe having them learn to sleep on their own, makes the transition easier as well as makes your lives easier. You two absolutely need to have your time together, not just for your sanity, but for the sanctity of your family. When you two get to reconnect, your connection strengthens and that solidifies your marriage, which lets your boys feel safe in the family unit. Put the kids to bed in their room and set up time for each other. Also, take dates a couple times a week. Get out of the house. Hire a babysitter, and reintroduce yourselves to each other.
If you want to get rid of the pacifier, I like how Supernanny does this ( http://www.supernanny.co.uk/tv-show/clips/clips/dummy-bottle-removal.aspx). And, if your child cries because the pacifier is gone, that's fine. He won't die. He wants to show you that he will cry until he gets his way. You just wait him out lovingly. He'll be fine. Since we're talking about Supernanny, she also has great ways to get reluctant brushers to brush ( http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/General-Health/Too). This is crucial. You need to get the kids in the habit of brushing daily. It will be a tough start, but will be worth the investment down the road, especially for their oral health and saving you future dental costs.
As for the junk food, get rid of it! It's really that simple. If he knows it's their, he's going to cry to get it. Why wouldn't he? It tastes good and he knows he'll get it if he cries enough. When you stop buying it and he sees you aren't eating it, he's really got no other option. Get other healthy delicious treats. Make smoothies, eat fruit salad, have them help you make homemade pizza or 100% fruit juice frozen pops.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"Hi, this is sort of a parenting question but we just wanted some advice. In a group of four 17 year old girls we are planning a 3 night tramp. We have all done part of this tramp before and done tramps like this with parents and adults and we would be fully equipped with food, tents etc and everything we need.
However, my friend's mother is refusing to let her go because she's afraid it's dangerous (she's afraid we might get raped or murdered because we're teenage girls.)This is a safe tramping spot and we will be taking a locator beacon with us in case someone gets injured on the way. We will all be 18 by the end of the year, and even though we have told her mum ALL of the facts about the tramp she will not let our friend come with us. All of our parents are fine with it.
We were just wondering if we could have some advice on what to do to convince her to let her come, or do you think she is being rational and just being a good mum? Thanks."
-Sam (New Zealand)
I'm glad you are asking me this question. I am the father of a teen girl, and we parents can get carried away at times, but it's not because we are trying to make your lives miserable (although, that's the result at times), but because we love you and we want to protect you.
I remember being on the receiving end of this kind of treatment when I was a teen. My mom was so protective of me and I just knew she was overdoing it. But, now that the show is on the other foot, I get it. And, the funny thing is, when you become a mother, you too will probably protect a bit more than you need to. Again, it's out of love.
That's not to say that your parents who are allowing you young ladies to go don't love you. It's just that they are more easily able to see the facts than your friend's mom.
So, as far as the advice to convince the mom that it's okay to send her daughter tramping with all of you, I don't think there's anything you can say to convince her. Her mind is set and in her head it's the right thing. She'd be beside herself if anything happened to her daughter, and she's willing to risk her daughter being upset with her for little if it ensures her safety. The one chance you may have is if Mom has a significant other. If her significant other can talk to her about how it will really be fine and that at some point she has to let her daughter start to be independent. But, that would mean 1) that she has a significant other, 2) that the significant other believes that it's a good idea for your friend to go, and 3) that the significant other is willing to try to talk Mom into it.
Whatever happens, realize that your friend's mom is not an evil woman. She loves her daughter, and we'd much rather have a mom that loves too much than one who loves too little.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"My sons don’t stand up for themselves. They are naturally quiet and shy, both of them. If I don’t call the teacher or talk for them at the doctor’s office, they won’t, and they are the ones who miss out. What am I supposed to do?"
-Florette L. (Nebraska)
Florette, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your sons don’t sound like they are being lazy or have to be taught a lesson. If you don’t assist them, then they stay quiet and shy and don’t step up for themselves. If you do the talking for them, they never learn to do it themselves and they end up as helpless adults, and that’s the concern we have for children of Helicopter Parents.
I see this every year in the classroom: the student who is quiet, won’t make eye contact, goes home and tells her parent that she wanted to say this or that. So, the parent comes to me and speaks for the child. Now that I know what she wants, she gets the results she was after. I’ll tell the parent that the child needs to tell me next time, and generally the parent will chime in and say the same thing to her child. But, usually nothing changes, and a few weeks later the parent is back in the class or sending me a note speaking for the kid.
This works, in a sense, because the child is communicating, but not on her own. So, when she goes away to camp, to college, moves out into the real world, my fear is that her habit of not speaking up for herself will be cemented as her personality trait and she will miss opportunities in life.
So, as a parent, I would suggest that you start by having your sons write notes or letters or emails. Let’s say your son comes home and has a lower grade on his paper than he thinks he deserves. He doesn’t tell the teacher, but he tells you. So, you talk with him about it and learn why. Then, have him explain himself to the teacher through a note or an email. You can supervise this, but it’s coming from him directly to the teacher. Hopefully that will open lines of communication. The teacher will ask him over and initiate the conversation, which your son will respond to.
Or, if there are issues he is concerned about before going to the doctor, have him write them down or input them on his smart phone. When he gets to the doctor’s office, he can read his concerns from the phone or paper.
These are steps and tools your sons can use to get away from relying solely on you. You are still there supporting them during the writing, but the doctor or the teacher doesn’t necessarily know you were involved. So, the adult will initiate face-to-face verbal communication. Very often, it’s that first “breaking of the ice” that can be hard for kids like yours.
With these small victories under their belts you might be surprised to eventually see your boys initiating these kinds of things on their own, without your support. And, when these work, next thing you know, they start speaking for themselves little by little, face-to-face. Success breeds success.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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-LadyRahRah
Hello LadyRahrah,
First, letting her eat as much junk food as she wants, getting too little sleep and sitting in front of a screen all day really just aren’t healthy for your daughter. She may be a success as a singer based upon accolades, competitions, releases, whatever. But, real success is about happiness, too, and not just temporary pleasure from playing a video game or eating a cupcake, but overall happiness.
So the true test is can she be happy when she doesn’t get all that she wants? Because if her happiness is based on you fulfilling her desires, then that’s not real happiness. It just feels like it is until that moment wears thin and you are forced to give her something else she wants. If she has to live her life that way, no matter how wonderfully she sings and how many singles she sells or how many hits she gets on YouTube, she won’t be happy deep inside, and she can’t truly be successful without the happiness component.
There are countless stories of “successful” athletes and celebrities who thought that buying this item and paying for that service would make them happy, and when it didn’t they turned to drugs to fill the void.
Success isn’t success without happiness, and happiness is more than being pleased for getting what you want. Happiness is not getting what you want, but rather, wanting what you have.
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“I have two kids, a daughter, 11 yrs old. She is participating in several activities after school like piano (45 mins twice a week), drawing (2 hrs once a week) and swimming (1 hr once a week). The school timing is from 7:30 to 4:30.
My daughter is asking for more activities to participate in like basketball and tennis (1 hr once a week each). However, my husband sees this as too much.
I also have the same case with my son, 8 yrs old, who is also participating in mental math (2hrs once a week), football (1 hr twice a week), guitar (45mins twice a week) after school and gymnastics (1 hr twice a week), drama (1 hr once a week) and swimming (1 hr twice a week) during the school time. My son is also asking for more like tennis and basketball.
I don't know what to do. Please advise”
-Dima
Hello Dima,
From what you have told me, it does sound like you are spreading your children's spare time pretty thinly. But, it also sounds as though your children are asking for more.
It's hard to find a balance in situations like this. It's crucial to let your children have opportunities to experience their interests, passions and strengths. But, it's also important that children have some down time.
Are they getting their school work done and keeping up their grades? Do they have social lives outside of these activities? Are they having fun? Is there any possibility that they feel pressure to do these activities to get approval?
I ask this because, I think if it were me, I'd decide not to add any more to their already full plates. If they wanted to do more, I'd wait until one season ended and then have them take up something to fill that spot if they still wanted to.
Hope that helps.
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“I tell my daughter she’s an incredible cheerleader because I want her to have belief in herself, but the truth is she really isn’t an incredible cheerleader, and I think she knows it. How can I help her believe in herself?”
-Adam K. (Hobart, IN)
Hello Adam,
There are a couple of issues at play here, Adam. First, you can’t instill belief in your daughter when you don’t believe your own words. The idea is to believe for her at first to get the ball rolling, but just saying she rocks isn’t enough. If you don’t believe it, why should she?
You can tell her that you see incredible improvement (if you do), or that you notice how hard she works (if she does). But, if she’s just going through the motions, good chance not only is cheerleading not her strength, but probably isn’t her passion.
Remember, part of what makes a Safety Net Parent is honesty. If cheerleading isn’t her bag, there are ways to let her know gently, but then be sure you have identified what she is good at as well as what she’s passionate about. If she wants to continue cheer, so be it, but also give her the opportunity to follow her passions and strengths.
Now, you can start believing for her and this time she’ll believe you. Once she sees your faith in her, she’ll start to realize her potential and can start envisioning her successes.
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“I want my six-year old daughter to give back, but we scrape by ourselves, living on government assistance. Anything we get we can’t afford to give. What can I do to help my daughter?”
-Mindy S.
Hello Mindy,
There’s more than one way to give back, and it really doesn’t have to cost you one red cent. Once I discovered that one of my third grade students had smuggled a baby bunny to class in her backpack all day long. By the end of the week, the animal died as a result of how it had been mistreated. The girl loved her bunny, but also knew what she had done was wrong, so I teamed her up with a local organization that takes in abandoned rabbits learning to care for them, clean their cages, feed them, etc… for a day over the weekend.
Not only did she learn a lesson and how to care for rabbits, but she fell in love with the organization and became a regular weekend volunteer.
There are organizations of every kind, Mindy. Find what interests your daughter and call up an organization that may deal with that area and ask how your daughter can help.
Let me tell you. I grew up in poverty: food stamps, dumpster diving, the whole nine yards. My parents were very much like you, not able to help others financially. As a result, I was never one to volunteer or help charities in my youth. Therefore, when I became an adult and established myself a bit better financially, I still had that mentality that I needed to hold on to my funds to be sure I never fell back into the financial situation of my youth. So, I very rarely made financial donations or contributions. I had to force and remind myself that I can afford to support my local school, that I could sponsor a breast cancer walk participant.
I didn’t want my daughters to have to struggle with this as I had, so I made it a point to get them involved with community early on.
Mindy, your daughter is still young enough for you to instill this trait in her. And, when she does grow up and gets her feet under her financially, making the transition from volunteering to donating will be that much easier.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“When do I know if I need to push for persistence or if my son just really is no longer interested and no longer cares about the goal anymore? Basically I need to know if he’s just being lazy and needs to push through, or if he really is no longer passionate.”
-Darcy1712
Hello Darcy1712,
Part of the role we play as Safety Net Parents is balance, knowing when to give slack and when to tighten up. The thing is, we’re not perfect. We will inevitably make mistakes, and when we do, we own up to them and make the proper corrections, but as a parent I absolutely want to avoid being a Tiger Dad, forcing my kid to excel at something he loathes. Yet, I also don’t want to be a Free Range Parent allowing my child to go with what he feels at the moment.
There are two factors I look at in this situation. First, if he balks and hesitates, but it’s a responsibility, I don’t care if he’s passionate or not about it. He needs to follow through. So, that means if it’s chores around the house, if it’s a school assignment, if it has something to do with his part-time job, he needs to push through even if he doesn’t want to straighten his room, write the history essay, or go in to work just because his friends are all going to the beach.
And, I’ll tell you why. Real life isn’t so malleable. There are things in adults’ lives that we don’t want to do: get up and go to work, change the baby’s diaper, mow the lawn, but we do them because that’s what makes life proceed without all the speed bumps. Some may argue that a child will get there soon enough. Why not allow them the freedom from these responsibilities for as long as possible? The answer is because we do them a disservice if we allow them to give up when the task is less than desirable, because when we’ve decided they no longer need us to “save” them, they’ll have had no experience with dealing with monotonous tasks and will have difficulty making the transition.
The other time I have my daughters stick it out even if they want to give in is when the task is not complete. “I don’t want to play on the soccer team any more”, “This book is boring”, “This picture is too hard to draw.”
My response: “If you want to stop when it’s over, you are free to, but we don’t quit in the middle.” So, yes, I tell my girls they need to play out the soccer season, finish reading the book, and complete the picture. It gives them practice at persistence even when they want to give up, while giving them the knowledge that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, if my girl really is no longer passionate about soccer, she has an out at season’s end.
Interestingly though, by having them stick it out until the end, we often discover that the passion remains, and they were just going through a slump. A goal, an exciting chapter, a surprising combination of colors can be all it takes for them to remember their love for the task. When the book is over, she may head to the library for the next book in the series. She may love the picture and post it on her wall. She may ask to be on the soccer team the following year.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“What if I let my daughter fail or I even beat her at a game or activity as you suggest, then she starts to feel bad about herself? She feels worthless and starts saying things like ‘I’m no good at this,’ or ‘I never win anything.’ Won’t that destroy her confidence?”
-Andrew C.
Hello Andrew,
Look, it’s easy to rush in to your daughter’s defense when she makes self-deprecating comments. Saying, “No, sweetie, you’re really good at soccer,” isn’t going to help. It’ll only add fuel to the fire.
According to Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph. D, a psychotherapist in Westchester, NY, “Rather than immediately disagreeing with your child’s assessment, give her a chance to experience her feelings,” while you remain calm. Your response needs to be empathetic and noncritical: “Soccer can be a tough sport. It can be frustrating. Soccer takes a lot of practice.” It tells your daughter you’re on her side without supporting her judgmental comments.
You must remember that our job is not to protect our children from failure. We let them fail, but we are the safety net below that keeps them from crashing.
When my daughters were babies we used Dr. Richard Ferber’s method to teach them to sleep alone in their cribs. The idea is that you let your child cry it out for five minutes, come in, reassure them that they are safe and loved, and you leave again, but for ten minutes this time. The process continues, increasing the time apart five more minutes until the child sleeps.
This was so hard for my wife and me. We stood at that doorway that first night and those five minutes felt like five hours as we listened to our baby cry. We had to fight our natural parental urges to rush in and scoop up our daughter, but the thing is, a little discomfort was not going to kill our girl. We did this for both of our daughters and by the third night each had learned to sleep on their own. Our daughters felt comfortable in their cribs and they knew they were safe and loved.
Looking back I realized the real issue was not how my toddler was feeling, but really how I was feeling about how my toddler was feeling. I felt guilty. I was the one who was suffering, not my baby.
The same thing happens when we let our children fail. We don’t want them to feel bad, but the truth is they survive and the failure strengthens them. If we protect our children from failure, that’s really for our benefit, and it’s selfish, because we feel like the heroes at the expense of our children’s futures.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“My 3-year old's favorite word right now. We tell him to do something and he says no. We tell him to get back to the table so he can eat, and he says no. We tell him to help clean up his toys and he ignores us. Help!
I know 3 is a very important age where he's trying to find where he can be independent in his life, but he hits his brother and yells and screams and will. Not. Listen.
When he's screaming because he isn't getting his way we try to let him finish his thoughts and talk with him, but he will interrupt us as soon as we say anything he doesn't want to hear. Then it seems like it makes the meltdown worse.
Any advice would be appreciated! We've tried counting and timeout and putting him in his room for a few minutes, but he continues to ignore and disobey, and screams and hits if he doesn't get his way.
My wife and I feel like all the hard work we've put into our firstborn has gone to crap because nothing works. It's his way or a massive meltdown. He's great with his little brother (18 months old) and we give them both attention and love. We know he's not jealous, but he just refuses to stray from what he currently wants to do. It's all very discouraging.
We like to learn about parenting methods and styles and have your Safety-Net book, but it seems like nothing helps.”
-Mac
Hello Mac,
I feel your pain. There are stages throughout parenthood/childhood. Some are so great, and others you wonder how you will ever get through them, as well as wondering, "Is this just a phase, or is this who my child is?"
Of course I don't know your child, but I would bet, as you have implied, that this is just a phase. He's trying to figure out his identity separate from you. That means, he needs to rebel and disagree. So, this is normal...keep that in mind, but you need to also let him know what's appropriate and what's not. And, I know you have done that, but it's not changing his behavior. You are ready to pull your hair out, because you are over this behavior of his.
My guess is that you need to be more stubborn than he is. He needs to know that what you say, you will stick to...no...matter...what!
Examples: you tell him to get back to the table so he can eat. He says no. Then, let him know he has a choice (I think it's important that you let him know that he does get to decide): he can get back to the table and eat or he can head to his room. If he chooses the room, he'll stay there until he's ready to come out and eat. If the food gets cold, it will not be reheated. When he chooses to test this, you take him to his room and tell him he will stay there until you come get him (probably 3 minutes), in essence a time-out. When he comes out the first time on his own, you tell him firmly, but not emotionally, that he chose to go to his room. You'll come get him in 3 minutes. If he comes out again before 3 minutes, no talking this time, just take him back. And, you do this until he realizes that you are not going to waver. Do not let him push your buttons.
When he finally comes out after his three minutes, you can offer him his now-cold food. If he doesn't want to eat it, then he's done with his dinner. If he's hungry later, you've saved it, and can offer it to him again. No dessert. No treats. What questions do you have about this?
When he yells during a meltdown, let him know that you love him and want to hear him, but your ears don't hear that kind of talk. Ask him to try to say it calmly. If he can't, give him a crayon and paper and ask him to draw what he's upset about and then to call you over when he's done. Then, ask him to explain what he's drawn. That will hopefully give him time to calm, and because he has to describe his drawing, he'll have to think before talking. Also, it gives you a way to start to have this conversation that he needs.
As far as hitting, I'm sure you have told him that hitting is unacceptable. You might want to create a contract poster for your home. I don't know if you take him to the park regularly or if there is a favorite show he watches or a treat you might buy him. Instead of allowing these things for him, consider having him earn them by reducing (and eventually eliminating) the hitting. So, I don't know how often he hits, but you can create a daily goal with stickers, and tell him that if he hits only once for the day, he can watch his show, and if he can avoid hitting altogether, you'll take him to the library (remember, make this work for you...decide the goal, if it's daily or weekly, and what the rewards are). As he gets better, you set the goals higher, until it's about not hitting at all each day. Then you can make it a reward if he goes without hitting for three days, then a week, etc...
If he forgets or loses control and doesn't earn the reward, no matter how much he pleads, be strong. Tell him you love him, but that he chose to hit. Hug him and tell him maybe he'll earn it tomorrow. Questions?
I hope this helps. Good luck.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How can I let my daughter fail at school when that failure will also be partly connected to me? I can’t let her turn in a crappy science project and get a D when all the other kids are turning in these wonderful pieces. I’ll look like an awful parent. The teacher will assume I’m not doing my job.”
-CantLetHerGo
Hello CantLetHerGo,
We are so incredibly closely connected to our children that when they triumph we feel as though we have a part in that success. So, when they fail, it’s easy to feel like we have failed too, at being a parent.
I don’t know what your daughter’s peers are turning in for the science fair, and I’m not sure what grade she’s in, but I’ve taught science to nine-year olds for seventeen years and I can always spot the projects that the kids did alone, that the parents helped with, and the ones parents did late into the evening as their kids slept or watched Sponge Bob.
If your daughter does the work herself and it’s good quality, the teacher will know she did it alone, and will probably be grateful (I know I always am) that she got the experience. Giving her a little help or tips along the way is fine. I used to help with hot gluing projects when my daughters were younger, because they would burn themselves with the glue gun.
If your daughter gets a low grade because she didn’t do acceptable work, who the heck cares what anyone thinks about you!? She deserves the grade! Period.
Get over your ego. Your child didn’t do the work. She got a bad grade. Now what? Don’t go in and save her by talking the teacher into changing her score because it will look bad on you. Instead, talk to the teacher and ask what needs to be done differently next time. Then, talk to your girl about the grade. Does she think she did her best? How much time did she spend on it? Is it quality work?
Then ask what she’ll do differently next time. Tell her you can support her, give her tips and ideas, but it’s her project, not yours. Rise above your concerns about what people might think of you and focus on your daughter
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“What if my child doesn’t learn from failure? He just doesn’t seem to care. I let him make mistakes so he can do better the next time, but he lacks any motivation and never tries to improve on his failures. What do me and my husband do?”
-Alice W.
Hello Alice,
Here’s the answer you don’t want to hear: we can’t make anyone care about anything. We can give our children reasons why they should care. We can impose consequences, but caring is something out of our reach. Ultimately it comes from within.
For this reason Safety Net Parents focus on passions. Passions are precisely what our children do care about. Your son may be failing math and may be going half-speed at his part-time job. He gets an F and the boss tells him that he could lose his job. You’d figure this would wake him up and he’d learn from his mistakes. But, if he’s not excited about his job and he doesn’t care about his grades, he just won’t be motivated to improve.
So, what do you do? Get him excited about what he’s passionate about. He loves to draw graphic comics. So, give him opportunities to see and feel success here. Once he’s excited about his successes, use that to motivate him in another area: “Get a ‘C’ on your next math test and I’ll take you to ComiCon,” “Get to work on time and get a good report from your manager and I’ll match your next paycheck so you can buy extra art supplies.
And, finally, Alice, your son’s situation is precisely why I suggest starting success early in a child’s life. When a child has it in their head early on that they have the ability to be successful, they tend to accept that as part of who they are, even when they are faced with a challenge that has nothing to do with their strengths or passions. They may not like it, but they’ve accepted early on that they are people who can and will overcome their failures.”
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How do I know where the line is between finding my kids opportunities and encouraging them, versus pushing them?”
-Philip
Hello Philip,
When we are talking chores around the house, part time jobs, or schoolwork, don’t worry about that line. Encourage them and if they don’t respond, push them, because those are responsibilities. Children need to learn that there are things in life that we parents do because we need to: pay the bills, go to work, clean the house, wash our clothes, change the baby, etc…
Where you want to watch the line is the extracurricular activities: sports, hobbies, clubs, and the like. If your kids are excited by an activity, ask them if they would like your help finding them opportunities. If they do, find them, but don’t follow through until you tell them about what you’ve found. You want to give them the final say, which will build their autonomy. They need to know this is their choice.
If they are not into what you have found for them, you can ask why (information you can store in your files for the future), but don’t try to make them do something they obviously don’t want to. You can offer your side as to why you think it’s a good choice, but then leave it alone and move on.
You do need to be wary, though, that some children will cave even if they aren’t thrilled with the idea, because they don’t want to cause conflict or because they want to please you. That’s what Riley was doing with me. So, be sure you have a good open line of communication with your children. You know them better than anyone else. If you sense they are only doing it for you, pull back. I know it’s hard, but you don’t want them resenting the activity or you down the road.
The other area you need to be aware of is that some children do need a nudge. Grace tends to shy away from anything new. So, there are times we will nudge her, because we know that if we don’t she will never try a new activity. If you are nudging, be sure you are doing it not because it will make you feel better, but because you know that it’s what your children need to make them happier down the road. And, if you are wrong, be willing to apologize and pull back.
As far as knowing if you’ve pushed, you have if you are making your children participate although they’ve expressed how much they hate doing it. You’ve pushed if you are making them go “for their own good”. If you say, “You’ll thank me when you’re my age,” that’s too long for delayed gratification, and you’re probably pushing.
The best way to know where that line is drawn is by creating a great line of two-way communication between you and your children. Ask them questions. Listen to what they are saying. Watch how they are reacting. Then, decide if this is for them or for you.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“How can I really expect success from my 13-year old boy? He’s never really been successful at anything. He doesn’t do well in school, isn’t motivated, and doesn’t have many friends. He likes TV, his computer and video games. You say I need to have true expectations for him and not go through the motions. How can I believe in his success when I don’t believe in his success?”
-Susan H.
Hello Susan,
You both seem to be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and going nowhere. He doesn’t believe he can be successful so he’s given up. Because he’s given up, you haven’t seen success, so it’s hard for you to have any feeling behind the “atta boy” script. He hears this in your voice, which strengthens his assurance that he is a failure. You see him drop the ball again and that strengthens the point that he’s going nowhere.
To break the cycle, it looks like it may need to start with you. Maybe your definition of success needs some tweaking. If it’s only schoolwork or sports or his social circles that you are evaluating for success, maybe you need to expand your target area. Does he enjoy writing or art? Can he identify species of beans (yes, I just asked that)? How does he do with the family pet? You say he loves video games. He must be getting pretty good at them.
Find something, one thing, that you know he is into, that he does well at, and hang your hat on it. For example, say you have a dog and it just loves your son, and your son feels close to the pet. Have him teach the dog to sit or shake or fetch or whatever. It takes time. It takes patience. He’ll be elated when the dog responds to his training. And, when he does, you’ll see your son has what it takes to succeed at something. That will give you faith in him. If he can train the dog, maybe he can reach the next goal. It doesn’t have to be big. You just have to believe in him.
When you do, he’ll see it, and he’ll want to work harder to achieve the goal he wants and that you have whole-heartedly encouraged him to do.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I don't hit my kids but when i was young if i did something wrong i'd get spanked. I don't want to end up in the habit of spanking my kids. What would you suggest when my 3 year old won't listen? If, for example, it's bed time and he keeps coming out of his room (he sleeps in the dark with the door closed over but not shut). We'll tell him to stay in bed a good 20 times. Even when we're in bed with the lights off. there are a few other instances like this but any thoughts?"
-Mac O.
Hello Mac,
When I was a chid, I was also hit, and no matter what we know is right as adults, it's very hard not to repeat the patterns our parents did when we were young, good or bad. So, kudos for you for not resorting to what you might naturally lean toward.
I don't think that there's one answer for every situation. You have to take each one individually, but you did mention the bedtime situation. It will probably get harder before it gets easier. You'll need to invest in some difficult nights in order to get things on track for the long haul.
Your son needs to know that he doesn't get to dictate what happens in the house. You can respect him and love him, but you are the parents. And, you need to define that role early on. That means you let him know before the routine starts that you expect him to stay in bed and not get up tonight. Before putting him to bed ask if there's anything that he needs before he goes to bed, in order to avoid excuses later.
Then, put him to bed, kiss him and tell him you love him. When he gets up out of bed, try your best to stay under control (this will be tough the later the night goes). Remind him it's bedtime and grab his hand calmly and walk him back to his room. Kiss. "I love you". Head out. Second time around, tell him again a bit firmer and give a quick kiss and "I love you." After that lead him back to his room. Do not engage him. Do not talk with him. If you engage or talk, he gets what he wants...attention from you, positive or negative.
He'll probably come out again. And, you will repeat this...like a broken record. You will get tired and you will wonder if you can last...the truth is, you can. And, once you do, he realizes that Mom and Dad mean business. He also learns that he can go to bed like a big boy.
If you continue to do this each night, he'll push less and less, until the night when he realizes, "What's the point?"
I wish I could say I made this up, but I didn't. Here's a link to SuperNanny who is the Queen of this bedtime routine (http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Routine-and-Teamwork/Getting-Toddlers-to-Stay-in-Bed.aspx).
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I want to give my son opportunities like you mention, but I’m not sure where to start. Do I just pick a random sport or activity? Should I start with things I liked at his age? Help"
-GloriGold17
Hello GloriGold17,
I don’t think you need to discover the path for your son’s opportunity. Remember, a Safety Net Parent’s job is to give him the opportunities the best way you know how. But, he already has an interest. Could be a sport; may be an activity. But, there’s a good chance, GloriGold17, that it’s not what you loved at his age.
Remember, you need to watch you son. Listen to what he tells you. Discover his interests. Once you do, then go ahead and find ways to give him opportunities to explore these. Could be at home. Might be going to a museum or working on a project. Maybe he takes a class or learns online. But, don’t throw a dart at a map and start there. Success may not be an exact science, but it definitely ain’t just dumb luck.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“My daughter is a great pianist, but hates to play. Are you telling me to throw all those years and all that money away because she's not passionate about piano? She's really good!"
-WWgama
Hello WWgama,
There are lots of ways, Manny. First, consider communicating with your wife, your daughter’s caregiver, her teacher and even her friends. I know you don’t get much time together, but set up direct communication with her. Start a conversation journal that yoI’m not telling you what to do, but if it’s just practice she’s griping about, that’s normal. Practicing for a driver’s test, dance practice, softball practice, sometimes these become tedious and may not be the most fun. We adults can relate to that. But, if she’s still driven by her performances, if she loves playing in front of the crowd, if she gets a thrill from the applause and a standing ovation, if she can’t wait to come home and compose, then that’s her passion. It’s just that, like everyone else, she’s got to wade through the muck we call practice to make her passion a strength.
But, if she can’t stand piano at all, then, yes, I’d suggest dropping it (after the season or the big recital or whatever natural stopping point might be). I know it kills you. You forked out the dough. You’ve driven her to practice. She’s spent countless hours tickling the ivories. Maybe you’ve even bought a piano. But, why? You want your daughter to be successful. If she’s not happy doing it, she’s not successful…sorry to break it to you.
Consider giving her a break from the piano. Set her free and let her explore soccer or pottery or photography, wherever her heart takes her. Look, she might feel compelled to return to the piano. Could be she just needs a break so she can learn that she really does love it.
One of Riley’s close friends in grade school was an incredible level-seven gymnast. Watching her do flips, round-offs and back handsprings was jaw-dropping. The girl had such powerful legs and the shoulders and biceps of a true athlete. She was one of six children in her family, and her parents were looking for niches to get each kid into college. For this daughter they were banking on a gymnastics scholarship.
The girl was good, had won many championships and seemed to be destined for unparalleled greatness (get it?). But then one day she told her parents she was done. They were devastated, but she explained it wasn’t fun any longer. Although continuing could very well have paid her college tuition and gotten her on a box of Wheaties, her parents knew she wouldn’t be successful if she wasn’t happy doing double back-hand springs. So, they let her move away from the sport and possibly take out student loans for college.
Keep in mind, I’m referring to hobbies and extracurricular activities here. This does not apply to chores around the house, schoolwork or their part time jobs. These are their responsibilities, like them or not. If they don’t like doing them, they can throw in the towel once they leave your home (chores), graduate or drop out of school (homework), or quit or get a new job (work).
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. Let your daughter go (with regard to piano). If she returns, piano is hers. If she doesn’t, it really never was.
I’m not telling you what to do, but if it’s just practice she’s griping about, that’s normal. Practicing for a driver’s test, dance practice, softball practice, sometimes these become tedious and may not be the most fun. We adults can relate to that. But, if she’s still driven by her performances, if she loves playing in front of the crowd, if she gets a thrill from the applause and a standing ovation, if she can’t wait to come home and compose, then that’s her passion. It’s just that, like everyone else, she’s got to wade through the muck we call practice to make her passion a strength.
But, if she can’t stand piano at all, then, yes, I’d suggest dropping it (after the season or the big recital or whatever natural stopping point might be). I know it kills you. You forked out the dough. You’ve driven her to practice. She’s spent countless hours tickling the ivories. Maybe you’ve even bought a piano. But, why? You want your daughter to be successful. If she’s not happy doing it, she’s not successful…sorry to break it to you.
Consider giving her a break from the piano. Set her free and let her explore soccer or pottery or photography, wherever her heart takes her. Look, she might feel compelled to return to the piano. Could be she just needs a break so she can learn that she really does love it.
One of Riley’s close friends in grade school was an incredible level-seven gymnast. Watching her do flips, round-offs and back handsprings was jaw-dropping. The girl had such powerful legs and the shoulders and biceps of a true athlete. She was one of six children in her family, and her parents were looking for niches to get each kid into college. For this daughter they were banking on a gymnastics scholarship.
The girl was good, had won many championships and seemed to be destined for unparalleled greatness (get it?). But then one day she told her parents she was done. They were devastated, but she explained it wasn’t fun any longer. Although continuing could very well have paid her college tuition and gotten her on a box of Wheaties, her parents knew she wouldn’t be successful if she wasn’t happy doing double back-hand springs. So, they let her move away from the sport and possibly take out student loans for college.
Keep in mind, I’m referring to hobbies and extracurricular activities here. This does not apply to chores around the house, schoolwork or their part time jobs. These are their responsibilities, like them or not. If they don’t like doing them, they can throw in the towel once they leave your home (chores), graduate or drop out of school (homework), or quit or get a new job (work).
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was. Let your daughter go (with regard to piano). If she returns, piano is hers. If she doesn’t, it really never was.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“I don’t have time to watch and listen to discover my child’s passion. It’s not because I don’t want to, but I have two jobs and work nights. I sleep while my daughter is at school. How do I connect with her to learn her passions?”
Hello Manny,
There are lots of ways, Manny. First, consider communicating with your wife, your daughter’s caregiver, her teacher and even her friends. I know you don’t get much time together, but set up direct communication with her. Start a conversation journal that you both write in. Ask her about her day and tell her about yours.
Each day when she gets home she reads your message, then writes back to you. Each morning when you get off work, you read her message and reply to her. You can also do this by leaving short video clips to each other on the computer. You can even email or text her afterschool when you get a minute.
Communication is key to discovering her passions. Always be cognizant of her interests in these exchanges of communication. Ask lots of questions and start to learn her passions.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"How can I find my child’s passion when all he does is play video games?”
-Justus8
Hello Justus8,
There are a couple of things to consider here. One, maybe technology is his thing. I know kids love to use tablets and smartphones and computers because of the content and the ability to communicate with one another. But, some kids, maybe your son, love technology because they are mesmerized by the advances and the possibilities.
Have you considered technology may be his passion? Has he created websites? Does he have ideas to develop apps? Would he enjoy making his own video game?
Or, maybe he’s living vicariously through the games. What kinds of games is he playing? Is he pretending to be LeBron James or Tim Tebow? Maybe his passion is sports, but he lacks confidence in his strength. See if you can get him involved in the real world, with what he plays in his virtual world (unless it’s “Call of Duty Black Ops” or something along those lines).
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"Why would a mother allow her daughter to see her father if he does not pay child support? The mother knows that her daughter wants to spend more than 30 hours a week with her father and has a very good relationship with her father.”
-Anonymous
Hi,
I can't tell you for sure why a specific mother would let her daughter see her father even though he's not paying child support, but I would surmise that she realizes the importance of her daughter having a connection with her father. Sure, he should pay his child support, but their daughter shouldn't suffer, especially since she has a good relationship with her father.
It sounds to me that Mom is being responsible and giving her daughter what she wants and needs, although Dad is unwilling or unable to support her financially. Yet, he does sound to be supporting her emotionally, which is good.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"What are some of the pros and cons of larger age gaps?
I have one child now whose 1yo, but my husband and I both want 4 kids. I've always wanted to have a larger gap. I think it will allow me to give each child enough of my time on bonding with me and on learning (chasing around 4 young kids means that I might not have the time or energy to go above and beyond). I also think that it might be better for their relationship with one another. I know my siblings and I were close in age and we fought like crazy, I think a bigger gap would foster more of a protective older sibling and admiring younger sibling, instead of constant fighting.
What are some downsides to a larger age gap? I know there is no perfect way to parent or family plan, but what do you think the pros and cons are?”
-Grace
Hi Grace,
A con for having a larger gap is that you and your husband have to do contend with the baby years for a much longer time. That means you will be living on little sleep for many years in a row. Also, when the kids have a larger gap, you will have teens and not-so-teens living together. I have that now (11 and 16) . Often, during those teen years, the older sibling wants little to do with the little one, because the "just don't understand" what life is like for a teen.
Pros for the large gap: you get a break between pregnancies and don't have to try to wrangle a bunch of little ones at the same time. The older ones can help you if needed with the little ones. During the earlier years, as well as the post-teen years, there can very well be a special bond between older and younger siblings with a few years between them. It gives the younger ones a model to look up to.
Siblings who are close do fight a lot, but so do the ones who are spaced out.
I know that doesn't give you a definitive answer as to which is "better" than the other. But, I am hoping that seeing the whole picture you will find which will work better for you, your husband, and your family.
Good luck and enjoy your family!
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"My daughter asked when could she have a boyfriend I responded let me think about it. It has been bothering me all day since I got from work. Should I let her date? Yes, she is an intelligent, mature, polite 14-year old young lady I just do not want her heart broken.”
-Tara
Hi Tara,
Let me start with telling you that no matter what a parent says, if a teen wants to "date", generally they will. If she likes a boy and the boy likes her, maybe they won't be official. Maybe they won't go out to the movies, but most will find ways to be together. Do you remember being her age? Did your parents keep you from dating? And, if so, did it really make a difference? If your parents didn't restrict you, think back to if they had, and if you and a boy were interested in one another, would you have found a way to still date him?
I have a a sixteen year old daughter. She is smart, fun to be around, and attractive. I have been concerned about boys for the last three years, but I have been fortunate. She's been so focused on school, cheerleading, her own business, and her friends, that boys have not been a part of the program just yet...but I know it's inevitable.
So, when she is ready to date, my wife and I will allow it, but we'd have to create parameters that work for our family. The thing is, young love is so powerful and intense that sometimes those parameters are created with twigs that they easily break through, but it's a place to start.
If your biggest concern is that she will be heart-broken, remember that she won't die from a broken heart, and that you can't keep her from them forever. She will probably experience many broken hearts before she finds the person she will commit to for life. The first is the hardest, but she has to starts somewhere.
If the reason you are hesitant to let her date is because of the heart-break aspect (not because the guys a jerk, or because it will interfere with her school work, or because you are afraid of her becoming sexually active, etc...) I would suggest you let her date with limitations that work for you, her and the family. You have to look at what you are comfortable with, what kind of daughter you have, your religious and moral beliefs, her away-from-home time requirements).
I wish you luck with this, and know that I will be in the same boat in no time.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I have lived life. I’ve gone through what my daughter has already. I know what’s right for her. I don’t want her making mistakes she’ll regret for life. I don’t care if she hates that I push her now. She’ll thank me later. Am I wrong here?”
-Cora (Newfield, NJ)
Hi Cora,
There’s really no wrong or right, Cora, but there is a best course to bring your daughter happiness and success. If you weigh her success over her happiness, then you are barking up the right tree. You are in Tiger Mom territory.
Now, if you are talking about her being responsible (doing her homework, completing household chores, etc…), then, it’s crucial that you push her now to teach her that life revolves around responsibilities. But, if you are talking about volleyball, or tap dancing or cello, and she truly loathes the activity, then I believe you are making a big mistake.
She may very well be terrific one day at whatever it is you are pushing on her today. And, it may make her famous or rich, but keep in mind, she doesn’t want to do it now. Just because she’s good at it later, doesn’t mean she’ll enjoy it, no matter how well she does it.
Then, she’ll be forced to continue to do what she’s always hated, because that’s the only way she knows how to bring in income. And, yes, she may get used to it, and sure, she may even thank you for giving her the opportunity to live a nice lifestyle and have fun toys, but will she truly be happy with who she is as a person? And, if the answer is no, Cora, then she isn’t successful.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I've got a question: why are girls10-12+so mean to each other especially on social media?"
-Lila
Hi Lila,
It starts right around fourth grade. Many girls start to become catty and cliquey. Not all girls do it, but this is when social connections become very important to them. So, finding a group is key. For some, making that group exclusive makes them feel better about themselves. So, they keep some out of the group and even attack online. Keep in mind, this is not all girls and boys are not immune to it. But, it's a very tough phase to go through.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I'm still going around and round with my daughter. She is 12 years old who thinks she's 30 years old. She doesn't talk. She barks loudly. It's amazing how one minute we get along great and the next you're the dummy that needs to get out of her life. Just as I think I've got the correct question or answer with the correct tone of voice I find out I'm wrong. One thing is for sure I'm learning to be understanding and keeping my mouth shut."
-April
Hi April,
Your daughter has started the "cocooning" process early. I came up with the term when I realized that my wonderful caterpillar of a girl is going through major chemical, physical, physiological and hormonal changes. She's fifteen.
The way she's different than a caterpillar, though, is that she doesn't get the cocoon to hide in during all of this selfishness and hormonal spikes. You can read more about it in this article I wrote for EmpoweringParents.com.
The beauty is that this is not really who she is. She'll come out on the other side of this metamorphosis as a a beautiful butterfly. The hard thing is for us to deal logically with this illogical creature. Reasoning works at times, and other times it doesn't. It makes us crazy as parents, but we need to remember that it makes her frustrated as well.
She may focus that frustration on us, but she doesn't like feeling this way either. She's moody. Her mom is embarrassing or out-dated or just always wrong.
So, what do you do? You try to understand that she really doesn't TRY to make your life miserable. She just can't help it. Life is all about her and there are reasons for that (see the article).
But, that doesn't mean let her off the hook for the next six years. Call her on her behavior. let her know what she said is insensitive and how it made you feel. She may pretend she doesn't care, but she still loves you and when the dust settles, she may ponder her behavior.
Will she apologize? If she's like my cocooner, probably not. Will her behavior change? She would like to think it will, but...probably not? Remember, she can't help it. Chemistry is a strong thing.
One more thing, April...think back to your teen and/or preteen years. Were you reasonable? Were you always kind? Here's what you can look forward to. She will spread her wings at some point. The hormones will settle. And, then you can pray to God that she has kids of her own, and just count the days until they are twelve and wait for her to call.
Hang in there.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"I have a couple of issues as a father who is in need for advice. First of all, let me introduce myself. I am 26 yrs old, married to an amazing wife, with two kids, and a dog. We stay in a 2 bedroom apartment.
Now let's get to the issue.(the kids) They are both boys; one is 2 years old and the other one is 1. They are sweet at times, but are very frustrating to me when it comes down to keeping the apartment clean. They trash this apartment like it's a trash bin. I constantly cleans up to the point that I feels like a janitor. I puts all my pride into cleaning up because I love breathing cleanness of a house. Me and my wife tries to keep it clean, but them two as a team is a nightmare. We even made the 2nd bedroom out of a play pin for them by putting toys in there and a TV with cartoon on it, but instead, they drag the toys into the living room.
That's not all, they love to stay up late to where me and my wife doesn't have any alone or quality time together. The attention between me and her are blocked by those two rascals. And they wakes up so late like around 11am-12:30 pm at the most.( My 2 year old son's bed is next to our bed and our 1 year old sleeps in the bed with us. The 2 bedroom is across the other side of the apartment, but my wife does not like them that far from our bedroom due to safety reasons of fearing that someone would sneak in and take our kids.
Also, it's hard to teach my 2 year old to brush his teeth...all he wants to do is suck the tooth pasted off and bite down onto the tooth brush. Another issue is getting my 2 year old off pacifies. When we takes his away, he cries like some one is dying or he looses his, he steals his little brother's. Even when he goes without a pacifier, the moment he sees that we gave his brother a paci, he cries for his, especially at bed time.
Another issue is that all my 2 year old wants to eat is junk food (chips, candy, cake,etc.) I really need your advice. I am dad who wants to change a few things around the house professionally. Thanks in advice."
-Cornell
Hi Cornell,
You are dealing with more than just a few things here. Some are most easily dealt with thank others. Some you will need to wait out until the boys get a little older.
I am a father of two daughters, 10 and 15. I never had to contend with two toddlers at once. My hat off to you. Kids the age of your kids definitely have a difficult time understanding about putting toys away, but you can start laying the groundwork with the two year old. You might consider taking toys that they don't use and stick the aside in a tub and stash that tub for a month. That will reduce the amount of toys for them to mess the house with. Each month, recycle the toys they don't use with the ones in the tub. It's like getting new toys each month. If they are not excited by the toys after a month, they are telling you that they are no longer interested in them, and those are the toys for you to give away, donate or sell. With less toys in the house, be a bot tougher with the "play room". They are to play with toys in that room. If they want to bring a toy out to the living room, fine, but only one. If they want another, they must return the first toy. Be strong with them about it. Only one toy out of the playroom at a time. If they disobey, return the extra toy. If they continue (for the 2 year old) remove the toy, and return it the next day, as you repeat the rules.
As for staying up late, you must get them on a decent schedule that works for the entire family. So, it's not about what they want. It's about the boundaries and rules you create. Again, I have never had two toddlers at once, so I cannot speak from experience, but I do know that our daughters didn't want to sleep when we wanted them to at first, but we used the Ferber Method (more here: http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified_7755.bc). I'm not sure how that works with two little ones, but I do know that once you have gotten them on schedule life is easier. Little ones, though, do tend to wake up at night. So, that's to be expected.
Far be it from me to tell you that your children will be safe in their own room. I don't want to tell you to have them sleep there and something happen, but I would like to know if you truly think there's a likelihood of them being abducted from their own room, or is your wife being overprotective? If you can, I would suggest investing in a monitor and putting the boys in their own room, allowing them to learn to sleep on their own. Some will argue that kids should stay with their parents as long as they can, but I believe having them learn to sleep on their own, makes the transition easier as well as makes your lives easier. You two absolutely need to have your time together, not just for your sanity, but for the sanctity of your family. When you two get to reconnect, your connection strengthens and that solidifies your marriage, which lets your boys feel safe in the family unit. Put the kids to bed in their room and set up time for each other. Also, take dates a couple times a week. Get out of the house. Hire a babysitter, and reintroduce yourselves to each other.
If you want to get rid of the pacifier, I like how Supernanny does this ( http://www.supernanny.co.uk/tv-show/clips/clips/dummy-bottle-removal.aspx). And, if your child cries because the pacifier is gone, that's fine. He won't die. He wants to show you that he will cry until he gets his way. You just wait him out lovingly. He'll be fine. Since we're talking about Supernanny, she also has great ways to get reluctant brushers to brush ( http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/General-Health/Too). This is crucial. You need to get the kids in the habit of brushing daily. It will be a tough start, but will be worth the investment down the road, especially for their oral health and saving you future dental costs.
As for the junk food, get rid of it! It's really that simple. If he knows it's their, he's going to cry to get it. Why wouldn't he? It tastes good and he knows he'll get it if he cries enough. When you stop buying it and he sees you aren't eating it, he's really got no other option. Get other healthy delicious treats. Make smoothies, eat fruit salad, have them help you make homemade pizza or 100% fruit juice frozen pops.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"Hi, this is sort of a parenting question but we just wanted some advice. In a group of four 17 year old girls we are planning a 3 night tramp. We have all done part of this tramp before and done tramps like this with parents and adults and we would be fully equipped with food, tents etc and everything we need.
However, my friend's mother is refusing to let her go because she's afraid it's dangerous (she's afraid we might get raped or murdered because we're teenage girls.)This is a safe tramping spot and we will be taking a locator beacon with us in case someone gets injured on the way. We will all be 18 by the end of the year, and even though we have told her mum ALL of the facts about the tramp she will not let our friend come with us. All of our parents are fine with it.
We were just wondering if we could have some advice on what to do to convince her to let her come, or do you think she is being rational and just being a good mum? Thanks."
-Sam (New Zealand)
I'm glad you are asking me this question. I am the father of a teen girl, and we parents can get carried away at times, but it's not because we are trying to make your lives miserable (although, that's the result at times), but because we love you and we want to protect you.
I remember being on the receiving end of this kind of treatment when I was a teen. My mom was so protective of me and I just knew she was overdoing it. But, now that the show is on the other foot, I get it. And, the funny thing is, when you become a mother, you too will probably protect a bit more than you need to. Again, it's out of love.
That's not to say that your parents who are allowing you young ladies to go don't love you. It's just that they are more easily able to see the facts than your friend's mom.
So, as far as the advice to convince the mom that it's okay to send her daughter tramping with all of you, I don't think there's anything you can say to convince her. Her mind is set and in her head it's the right thing. She'd be beside herself if anything happened to her daughter, and she's willing to risk her daughter being upset with her for little if it ensures her safety. The one chance you may have is if Mom has a significant other. If her significant other can talk to her about how it will really be fine and that at some point she has to let her daughter start to be independent. But, that would mean 1) that she has a significant other, 2) that the significant other believes that it's a good idea for your friend to go, and 3) that the significant other is willing to try to talk Mom into it.
Whatever happens, realize that your friend's mom is not an evil woman. She loves her daughter, and we'd much rather have a mom that loves too much than one who loves too little.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"My sons don’t stand up for themselves. They are naturally quiet and shy, both of them. If I don’t call the teacher or talk for them at the doctor’s office, they won’t, and they are the ones who miss out. What am I supposed to do?"
-Florette L. (Nebraska)
Florette, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your sons don’t sound like they are being lazy or have to be taught a lesson. If you don’t assist them, then they stay quiet and shy and don’t step up for themselves. If you do the talking for them, they never learn to do it themselves and they end up as helpless adults, and that’s the concern we have for children of Helicopter Parents.
I see this every year in the classroom: the student who is quiet, won’t make eye contact, goes home and tells her parent that she wanted to say this or that. So, the parent comes to me and speaks for the child. Now that I know what she wants, she gets the results she was after. I’ll tell the parent that the child needs to tell me next time, and generally the parent will chime in and say the same thing to her child. But, usually nothing changes, and a few weeks later the parent is back in the class or sending me a note speaking for the kid.
This works, in a sense, because the child is communicating, but not on her own. So, when she goes away to camp, to college, moves out into the real world, my fear is that her habit of not speaking up for herself will be cemented as her personality trait and she will miss opportunities in life.
So, as a parent, I would suggest that you start by having your sons write notes or letters or emails. Let’s say your son comes home and has a lower grade on his paper than he thinks he deserves. He doesn’t tell the teacher, but he tells you. So, you talk with him about it and learn why. Then, have him explain himself to the teacher through a note or an email. You can supervise this, but it’s coming from him directly to the teacher. Hopefully that will open lines of communication. The teacher will ask him over and initiate the conversation, which your son will respond to.
Or, if there are issues he is concerned about before going to the doctor, have him write them down or input them on his smart phone. When he gets to the doctor’s office, he can read his concerns from the phone or paper.
These are steps and tools your sons can use to get away from relying solely on you. You are still there supporting them during the writing, but the doctor or the teacher doesn’t necessarily know you were involved. So, the adult will initiate face-to-face verbal communication. Very often, it’s that first “breaking of the ice” that can be hard for kids like yours.
With these small victories under their belts you might be surprised to eventually see your boys initiating these kinds of things on their own, without your support. And, when these work, next thing you know, they start speaking for themselves little by little, face-to-face. Success breeds success.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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"Dear Leon,
Kids will only be kids once, just a few years in the big scheme of things. They will be adults soon enough. Why not just let them enjoy this time and make life easy now? Life will be hard enough later for them.”
-AJC86Feb
Hello AJC86Feb,
You are talking like a Snow Plow Parent, trying to clear a child’s path in life so everything is easy for him now. But, even if you don’t clear a child’s path, my friend, guess what. Life is still much easier for him now than it will be in adulthood.
When kids are babies, we do everything for them, because they can’t walk, talk, go to the bathroom, feed themselves, and all that. As they get older, we don’t anticipate their needs any longer in the same way. We tell them to use their words. We don’t wipe their behinds when they are seven, and we don’t feed them when they are ten. Why not? Wouldn’t that make their lives easier? I mean, they’ll have to wipe their bums and lift a fork when they are twenty-four. Why not let them enjoy life now?
I know, a little extreme, right? But, I draw this picture for you, because our job as parents is not to make our kids’ childhoods as easy as possible, but to make life as smooth as we can. That means we need to prepare them today (with support and understanding) for the years when we are no longer able to be there for them.
How does that look? It means that when life throws an obstacle in their path, we don’t step in and drag it away before they reach it. Instead, we can warn them that it’s on the horizon. We can stand by them when they reach it. We can even advise them how to conquer it. But, if we don’t give them the opportunity, we are making the rest of their lives an uphill battle where they have no experience dealing with reality.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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Kids will only be kids once, just a few years in the big scheme of things. They will be adults soon enough. Why not just let them enjoy this time and make life easy now? Life will be hard enough later for them.”
-AJC86Feb
Hello AJC86Feb,
You are talking like a Snow Plow Parent, trying to clear a child’s path in life so everything is easy for him now. But, even if you don’t clear a child’s path, my friend, guess what. Life is still much easier for him now than it will be in adulthood.
When kids are babies, we do everything for them, because they can’t walk, talk, go to the bathroom, feed themselves, and all that. As they get older, we don’t anticipate their needs any longer in the same way. We tell them to use their words. We don’t wipe their behinds when they are seven, and we don’t feed them when they are ten. Why not? Wouldn’t that make their lives easier? I mean, they’ll have to wipe their bums and lift a fork when they are twenty-four. Why not let them enjoy life now?
I know, a little extreme, right? But, I draw this picture for you, because our job as parents is not to make our kids’ childhoods as easy as possible, but to make life as smooth as we can. That means we need to prepare them today (with support and understanding) for the years when we are no longer able to be there for them.
How does that look? It means that when life throws an obstacle in their path, we don’t step in and drag it away before they reach it. Instead, we can warn them that it’s on the horizon. We can stand by them when they reach it. We can even advise them how to conquer it. But, if we don’t give them the opportunity, we are making the rest of their lives an uphill battle where they have no experience dealing with reality.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
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“Dear Leon,
I have lived life. I’ve gone through what my daughter has already. I know what’s right for her. I don’t want her making mistakes she’ll regret for life. I don’t care if she hates that I push her now. She’ll thank me later. Am I wrong here?”
-Cora (Newfield, NJ)
Hello Cora,
Now, if you are talking about her being responsible (doing her homework, completing household chores, etc…), then, it’s crucial that you push her now to teach her that life revolves around responsibilities. But, if you are talking about volleyball, or tap dancing, or cello, and she truly loathes the activity, then I believe you are making a big mistake.
She may very well be terrific one day at whatever it is you are pushing on her today. And, it may make her famous or rich, but keep in mind, she doesn’t want to do it now. Just because she’s good at it later, doesn’t mean she’ll enjoy it, no matter how well she does it.
Then, she’ll be forced to continue to do what she’s always hated, because that’s the only way she knows how to bring in income. And, yes, she may get used to it, and sure, she may even thank you for giving her the opportunity to live a nice lifestyle and have fun toys, but will she truly be happy with who she is as a person? And, if the answer is no, Cora, then she isn't successful.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
I have lived life. I’ve gone through what my daughter has already. I know what’s right for her. I don’t want her making mistakes she’ll regret for life. I don’t care if she hates that I push her now. She’ll thank me later. Am I wrong here?”
-Cora (Newfield, NJ)
Hello Cora,
Now, if you are talking about her being responsible (doing her homework, completing household chores, etc…), then, it’s crucial that you push her now to teach her that life revolves around responsibilities. But, if you are talking about volleyball, or tap dancing, or cello, and she truly loathes the activity, then I believe you are making a big mistake.
She may very well be terrific one day at whatever it is you are pushing on her today. And, it may make her famous or rich, but keep in mind, she doesn’t want to do it now. Just because she’s good at it later, doesn’t mean she’ll enjoy it, no matter how well she does it.
Then, she’ll be forced to continue to do what she’s always hated, because that’s the only way she knows how to bring in income. And, yes, she may get used to it, and sure, she may even thank you for giving her the opportunity to live a nice lifestyle and have fun toys, but will she truly be happy with who she is as a person? And, if the answer is no, Cora, then she isn't successful.
-The Dumbest Genius You'll Ever Meet
