First, the apostrophe goes after the "s', not before, because it's not a day for just one father. It's a day to celebrate all of us. Just sayin'.
Second, I read that 30% less money is spent on fathers than on mothers for their respective holidays. We are okay with that. We know that you connect with your mom in a different way than you do us (meaning, you like her best). We know she works very hard, and for some reason we think we deserve to get 20 minutes of down-time after work, while she's tending to all the rest of us. We know she carried you in her tummy-pocket for 40 weeks and we just kept pointing and announcing, "Look what I did." And, we also know that it's easier to shop for Mom than it is for us, which brings me to the next point...
Third, there's really not much we need this year... again. We don't need a "Best Dad" coffee mug. The old one with stains that we've been using works fine. We don't need a new tie. Yes, we wear them, but it's not because we love them. It's because it's expected at work. So, if you get us another, it's kind of like getting us a toothbrush. Sure, we'll use it, but only 'cause we have to.
Fourth, this is what we'd really like... to sleep in late, to watch sports or a movie in our boxers and socks in the middle of the day. We wouldn't mind it if you brought us a beer. One is enough. Oh, and if you have any of those Betty Crocker brownie or cookie mixes, we could totally go for some of those...if there's already some in the pantry.
Fifth, you don't need to take us out to dinner. It'll be crowded and it will cost money and that means I'll have to put on pants and maybe even a tie, and we'll have to turn off the TV.
Sixth, if you still choose to give us a "Best Dad" mug and/or a tie, if you wake us up early with breakfast in bed, if you would prefer we go for a bike ride than watch the game and you can't find a beer or a box of Betty Crocker, if you feel compelled to take us to dinner, and if on your card you put the apostrophe between the "r" and the "s"... it's all good. It means you love us. It means you are putting out the effort. It means you are trying. And, it means that we're probably doing an okay job and this is your way to show us.
We will wear our tie to The California Pizza Kitchen (after waiting an hour and fifteen minutes for a table), and we'll bring our "Best Dad" mug for them to fill, ooh, maybe with a beer. Oh, and if they can seat us in front of that screen with the game on, that'll work. I bet they'll even have brownies on the menu. We'll take one of those. But, most important is that we are spending it with you. We couldn't be fathers without our children. Sometimes you make us crazy. Sometimes we wonder if the money hemorrhaging will ever stop. But, we wouldn't change a thing, not one thing, especially those nine months of pointing at your mother's tummy.
I am hoping that they're offering a 30% discount for Father's Day (watch that apostrophe!!!).
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