My eldest daughter, Riley, started her senior year in high school this week, and, guess what....she's actually been talking to me. What!?

Yes, it's true. Who'd a thunk that going back to school would bring me and Riley closer?    

Over the weekend Riley's friend backed her car into Riley's in a low-impact fender bender. So, we went out yesterday to a local body shop to get an estimate. On the drive over, Riley talked to me about school, friends, and just life. I didn't act surprised or overly happy... didn't want to scare her away.

Then, today, after I came home from work, I started working on dinner, and Riley came home soon after from her time volunteering at a local after school program for girls. As she ate her salad, Riley told me all about her day (I can't remember the last time she did this). She showed me her long term plans for projects she's working on. We talked about colleges, scholarships and moving out in a year.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Riley became metacognitive with me and voiced the fact that she realized that we were spending more time together communicating. I said, "Oh yea, guess so. Didn't really notice."

Apparently, she says that going back to school has inspired her. She feels motivated to do things: projects, volunteer, schoolwork, and (get this) communicate with Daddy. I think that it may have hit her that she has only 300 days or so left with us here at home, and that she wants to make the most of it.

Never would have thought going back to school would have brought us closer...but, it has. Here's to a great school year!

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/personal-children-school-1044111/

My daughter, Riley, is seventeen years old. She'll be starting her senior year in high school next week. Early this summer she asked if she and her friends could go on a road trip (this was right around the time Riley had gotten her driver's license). Her mom, Mary, said "We'll think about it." That means, I wasn't allowed to say what I was feeling, which was "No way!"

Mary later explained that she wanted to give Riley some time. She and her friends come up with ideas, but often never follow through. That's why Mary said we'd think about it. Odds were, it would never happen, and Riley would feel that we respected her enough not to say, "No way!" immediately, which is precisely what I had wanted to do. There's definitely a reason I let my wife speak first.

Mary and I spoke and we concluded that if Riley and her friends really planned to follow through with this idea, that we'd have to politely tell her "no."

Our reasoning:
1. We didn't know where she'd be exactly (Riley had been unsure).
2. Those girls are too young to stay in hotels.
3. Even if they weren't, where'd they get the money?
4. Even if they got the money, it's just too dangerous. And,
5. Riley is a child still. Her prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. Besides, if something were to happen, CPS would be all up on us for not taking proper care of our daughter.

Guess what! A couple weeks ago we find out that the girls were planning to go through with this after all. Riley asked, "So, what about the road trip?" We sat our daughter down and told her how much we trusted her, but that we just couldn't let her go on a road trip with two other teens for four days, and we laid down the list above.

But, then Riley told us things we didn't know. Mary and I talked alone, and I can't believe it, but we let her go. She's in Tahoe right this moment. I know, what irresponsible parents, right? But, before you call Child Protective Services on us, here's what changed our minds:

1. The two other girls she was traveling with are really good kids.
2. It was for one of the girl's (Sasha's) birthday. And, Sasha is the most straight-laced teen I've ever met: incredible grades, polite, goes to bed early, terribly responsible.
3. Sasha would be driving (been driving for two years, has changed a tire, has called AAA).
4. Sasha's parents gave the trip their blessings, and they are self-proclaimed "hoverers." They keep a close watch over her. "The Eagle-Eyes" we call them.
5. They would be staying with Sasha's aunts, cousins and sister along the way.
6. We had an itinerary, addresses and phone number put on a spread sheet, just in case.

We asked Riley, "What happens if Sasha goes to sleep at 10:30 one evening and you and your other friend decide to get up and explore." 

"We wouldn't ditch, Sasha. This is her birthday trip!"

We really put thought into it, and realized that we would let Riley go on a road trip with her friends four hours to spend the night at a family friend's home. So, what's the difference if she comes back home or travels to another family friend's home? We felt comfortable with who she was traveling and staying with.

So, they've been gone for their four days. They drive back today. Riley texts us daily and we speak every night. She's more communicative with us since she's been gone. They've had so much fun: hiking, canoeing, rock climbing, exploring San Francisco's Pier 39 and more, a trip they'll never forget. Turns out Sasha is almost more of a parent than we are: not allowing loud music in the car as she drives, dissuading her friends from buying unhealthy food, recommending going to bed early, and having that "parent GPS" (always knowing how to get back from where they started).

I am so glad that Riley, Sasha, and Sasha's parents made it easy for us to give Riley a thumbs-up for this trip. She's growing up. We have to start letting go now so that when she becomes an adult it won't be so hard on us. And, it helps that she can prove her responsibility and that she can make good choices.

If you are fortunate enough to share parenting with a partner, I profoundly believe that the relationship that you forge and maintain is an integral part of modeling relationships for your offspring. So, of course, if we want our children to one day find a partner, build a strong foundation with them, and have a happy and romantic connection, we as parents need to model that.

Today, I'd like to share a story of how I modeled patience and composure in the face of "adversity" on a family trip last week. First, you should know I have been married to my wife, Mary, for twenty-four years. We met the first day of college, and were a couple without children for the first seven years of our marriage. She's my best friend and we love being with one another. I love that our daughters get to see this. Also, I'm a bit of a germophobe.

Last week, we took our two girls (12 and 17) and a friend each on a road trip: Universal Studios, a tour of UC Irvine, then a couple of nights in Palm Springs. When I'm at home I brush with one of those electric Sonicare brushes, but when we travel I generally bring a regular toothbrush. I keep it in a zipper plastic bag, but I don't like to use it and put it back in the bag. I feel as though if I zip it up wet, the moisture will make any bacteria grow rapidly, making my next brushing a mouth full of bristles, toothpaste and germs.

So, on our last night in Palm Springs, I get up early and brush my teeth, leaving my brush on the bag in order for it to dry before I pack it for our trip back home. I spend the quiet morning checking my emails and reading as everyone else in our party sleeps. 

Eventually, people slowly wipe the sleep from their eyes. Showers are taken. Pajamas are exchanged for outfits for the drive home. I'm pretty much packed, just need to throw my toiletries together and I'll be good. I enter the bathroom only to find Mary brushing her teeth... with my brush!

"What are you doing?!" I ask.

"Brushing my teeth," Mary garbles with a mouthful of Crest.

"With my brush?" I respond.

She looks at the brush, then shrugs and says, "Sorry, I didn't notice." So, what does this mean?
1. Although I love my wife, there are a few things we just don't do: fart in front of one another, poop while the other is taking a shower, and use each other's toothbrush. So, she crossed that line and got her plaque bacteria on my brush.
2. Since she hadn't noticed, I wonder how many other times on this trip had she used my brush and I was unaware. And,
3. Now, my brush was wet and I couldn't zip it in a bag for fear of accelerating the regeneration of her mouth germs on my brush.

Here's the parenting part: although she broached an area that we have always avoided, I laughed it off, and made a big joke out of it in front of the girls. And, really, it was rather funny. It's just my own idiosyncrasy. I mean, I kiss the woman for goodness sake. My girls got to see how we can have fun in situations that could escalate in a direction that could turn ugly.

And, you may wonder what I did about the wet brush... I used the hotel hair dryer and stuffed the brush in the bag and off to home we headed.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/ronnieb