So, today I come home and my youngest daughter, eleven (that's just her nickname, her real name is "Twelve") is working on writing her first novel. Good, right? I'm pleased she's exploring the written word like her old man, but I also notice the TV is on and it's doing that floating "DirecTV" rectangle which means she's been watching something and put it on pause.

I have no problem with this. When she gets home from school she's allowed to watch TV while she snacks. And, I'm tickled forest green (pink really doesn't work for me...it's got to do with my eye color) that she can self-monitor her screen-time. But, I don't like that when no one's watching the TV, that it's still on.

Everyone in the house knows that this is one of my many pet-peeves (instead of coins, I collect pet-peeve). I just don't like wasting electricity, which translates to "I am one cheap son-of-a-gun." 

So, today, while she was writing, I come in and tell her that the TV is on and that she needs to turn it off. Twelve is a lot like me, and doesn't like to stop in the middle of her writing. So, she doesn't even look up and says, "In a minute," not budging an inch.

Now, I don't like this response, because in my mind she should have turned that TV off when she was done watching it. So, although she was in the middle of a sentence, I expected her to hop up, say, "Oops, sorry, Dad. I forgot," and turned it off immediately. She didn't. So, I did. 

Now, I'm not quite fuming inside, but I'm smoldering a bit. I go outside to shoot hoops, and Twelve comes out and asks, "Do you want to hear what I wrote?" Now, you should know, I absolutely LOVE hearing what my girl writes, and we discuss it together. But, today, I said, "I guess." Twelve responded, "What do you mean?" I shrugged, "I guess...if you want to."

Upset, she huffed back into the house. 

Now, here's my dilemma. I know what I did was a bit immature. I did it because I was mad (should have taken the emotion out of my reaction, but I'm only human). As I shot hoops I thought, "Should I have modeled being kind and thinking of others for her, in spite of her selfish move? Or, should I have done what I did so she could see what it feels like, so maybe she won't repeat that kind of maneuver next time?"

Rise above, or taste of her own medicine? Would love your thoughts. 


image courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/alvarez

It was Valentine’s Day in the eighties (okay, maybe it was really September… I don’t really remember). I was fifteen, my mom asked me to wash the dishes. The only dishwasher we had in those days was yours truly. I did my best to clean the cups and scrub the plates. Then, I placed the items in our dish rack to dry and put away at a later time.

My mom came in and inspected my work. After a long stare she told me, “Oh, no. Uh, uh. This is not done…” I looked in the sink. Empty. I looked at the drying dishes. Not a speck of fried egg nor a spot of dried milk.

“The counter has not been wiped off,” she told me. “Look at these crumbs. When you wash dishes, part of the job is wiping down the counter.”

Now, I was smart enough not to argue with my mom, but deep in my heart I knew she was wrong. She scurried out of the kitchen, and I grumbled under my breath, “Who does she think she is, telling me that wiping a counter is part of washing the dishes? I may be young, but I’m not stupid. Dishes are dishes. A counter’s a counter. If she wanted me to wipe down the counter, all she had to do was ask. I’d be glad to do it,” I lied to myself.

“Who in their right mind thinks wiping a counter has anything to do with cleaning a soup bowl? When I’m a father and I ask my kids to wash the dishes, there’s no way in Hades I will expect them to wipe down the counter!”

Cut to twenty-five years later. I’m a full-grown man, married, got kids of my own and even a house, but still no dishwasher. I remember walking into the kitchen one day and someone had washed the dishes, yet there were cookie crumbs on the counter.

How could I stop them? Like a volcano, the words forced their way out into the cold air of my dishwasherless kitchen before I could stop them: “Who washed these dishes and didn’t wipe down the counter?! When you wash dishes, part of the job is wiping down the counter!”

Oh my God, I’d become my mother!

That’s the thing about being a parent. There’s a very good chance that our children will become us to some extent when they grow up. That puts a lot of responsibility on parents. We can tell our children the right things to do. We can say to them what’s expected, but what really counts is what we do.

On Valentine’s Day we want to show our children that we love them. The best way to do that is by giving them the tools they need to be happy and successful adults.

Our children will become us, so we need to be the people we want them to grow up to be.

Here are seven ways to model the behavior you want your children to embody this Valentine’s Day:

1. Be Honest

We’re always telling our kids to be honest, not to cheat, to tell the truth and not to steal. But, if we are bringing home office supplies from work, calling in sick when we are well, and taking that extra change the store clerk mistakenly hands us, our children are guaranteed to do the same. So, show them honest living so they will embody it.

2. Find Your Passion

We parents often give up on our dreams once we have our children. It’s important that we pursue our passions, and let our kids see this. So, take up photography, start a blog, sign up for a half-marathon. When our kids see that we are following our dreams, they will start to follow theirs.

3. Persevere

The reason that only 8% of adults who set New Year’s resolutions keep them is because when we fall off the wagon, we rarely hop back on. And, when our children see that we don’t push through when we stumble or are met with an obstacle, they believe that’s the way adults handle difficulties. So, when they drop the proverbial ball, our children will not pick it back up… that is, unless they see us doing it first.

4. Love Your Partner

Over half of marriages end in divorce. So, that means that over half the children are exposed to divorce. As a result, the cycle continues. To ensure that your child has a long-lasting, committed, loving relationship of their own one day, we parents must dedicate time to our relationships. That may mean losing some “kid time,” but that loss will be made up exponentially. So, kiss your spouse. Hold hands. Schedule date nights.

5. Work Hard

We expect our kids to study their flashcards for school, practice their piano thirty minutes a night, and run laps for basketball conditioning. Then, we say we are going to lose ten pounds or quit smoking, yet refuse to work at it. If our children hear us say working hard is important, but see us sitting on the sofa watching Dancing With The Stars and taking the easy way out, they will follow our actions, not our words. Therefore, we need to model a good work ethic to ensure our children have one.

6. Give Back

When I was growing up, we didn’t have much, so I learned how to hoard money, in case I needed it later. As an adult, I am better off financially than my family was when I was a child, yet I still have that hoarding mentality and must consciously tell myself I can afford donating to a school fundraiser or sponsor a co-worker running for breast cancer. I never want my daughters to have to struggle with this inner battle when they are grown-ups. If you would like your children to give back, model it for them. Donate to a charity or hand some change to someone who may be in need. If you are strapped financially, consider volunteering your time regularly at church, a soup kitchen, hospital or some other organization you are passionate about.

7. Avoid Excuses

When we voice that we are unable to reach our goals because we don’t have the education, or the finances, or are single parents, we are handing our children the words they will use as excuses as to why they can’t succeed in school, or in sports, or relationships, or on stage. As parents, we don’t have to hide our challenges and obstacles, but by showing our children how we persevere through them, instead of sitting back, we model how they can handle the obstacles that life will put into their paths.

If you want to take your kid out to ice cream this February 14th, or give her some Hershey’s Kisses, to express your love, by all means go for it. But, if you want to express your love all year long, and give them a gift that will last a lifetime, model the behavior you want theme to embody. That’s the kind of gift that lasts even after the others have melted.

Seriously!? What the heck are you telling your kid when you charge his friend for not coming to your birthday party?

Yes, this happened! Click for the story.

Reader's Digest version: Five-year old kid is invited to a snowboarding party. Parents accepted, then realized they needed to cancel, but there was no contact info on the invite. Kid doesn't go. next week, there's a bill for $24 in his backpack.

So, these parents are not in touch with reality. Whatever. They are who they are. Good chance these leopards ain't changing their spots. But, what about the kid whose birthday it was? You know the parents went off in front of this kindergartener, ranting and raving about the audacity of little Alex (yes, that's his name) not showing up to their precious baby's party.

Kids believe their parents. Our words become theirs. So, when Birthday Boy's mom is enraged at Alex and his parents because they were insensitive, because they didn't care enough about Birthday Boy, because Alex "gets to do whatever he wants, at everyone else's expense," Birthday Boy now accepts this as gospel.

Birthday Boy now believes he is very special, so special that when someone cannot come to a party to celebrate the anniversary of his birth, that they should be charged money. 

Yes, I know. the parents would argue that they were out those $24 because they had to prepay for a snowboard or skis or hot chocolate or something. Get over it! I got married a billion years ago and my wife and I spent just as much money on the gala, and guess what.... some people who RSVP'd didn't show. There were leftover packets of Jordan Almonds, slices of cake, bottles of champagne, and packets of birdseed. 

No one was charged for these items! Besides, Birthday Boy's parents apparently didn't even give them a way to cancel, should they need to (which, apparently they did). 

Look, I don't really care to change these self-centered parents, but what impact does this have on the Birthday Boy? He's going to think he's more important than others, that he's entitled because he breathes, and people will not want to be around him. that doesn't make for a happy individual. I know Birthday Boy's Parents sent the bill out of love (I'm pushing it, aren't I?), but come back down to earth and grab a piece of reality.



image courtesy ©iStockphoto.com/nullplus