I usually have pieces like this run on other parenting sites, but because there's usually a turn-around time, I have decided to run it here, because I think getting in front of parents' eyes sooner than later is best.

-Leon



There’s no doubt about it; these elections have affected our children. Never in recent history have children, young children, been so aware of the nation’s presidential candidates and what they stood for. Never have so many grade-schoolers (as well as middle-schoolers and high-schoolers) felt the importance of an election as they have between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.  And, never have the results affected them so intensely.
 
No matter who you voted for as a parent, who your family was rooting for to win, if you were a Trump or a Clinton supporter, Democrat or Republican, if you have children you know that they were probably affected one way or another when they awoke on November 9th. And, as parents, we know (sometimes need to be reminded) that the well-being of our children (physical, mental and emotional) is of utmost priority for us.
 
So, it’s important, crucial, and integral that now, today, we help them wade through the confusion of the claims, the threats, the promises, the TV and internet comments, as well as the protests so they come out on the other side of all of this feeling safe, loved and compassion for others.
 
I see our children in one of three camps after Election Day.
 
Camp 1: Scared of What’s to Come
I teach elementary school. Our school services many students of Mexican descent. The day after the election I heard these eight- and nine-year olds talking about “being sent back.” So, we started the day with a class discussion. What these young people told me was that they were sad, angry and, above all, fearful. Almost all were afraid that they and/or their families would be sent away from the only place they have ever known as home.
 
My youngest daughter, Grace (age 13), and I spoke about this later that evening, and I compared it to her being told that we would be sent to live in New York City, where much of my family is from. Like many of my students who have family in Mexico and who have visited the country, we too have returned to The Big Apple for summer vacations. And, although Grace is older than my students and understands that New York is part of the country in which we live, she understood my students’ fear immediately: to be uprooted, to start fresh, to know the culture, but not to have been raised in it, to leave everything you know behind.
 
I heard on the news today, that some of these older children are unleashing their fears through violence, beating on their peers who are Trump supporters.
 
What Do We Do As Parents?
If your child is fearful for themselves, their family or others because of the election results, it’s critical that you don’t add to their anxiety, regardless of your own worries. Our little ones don’t need to concern themselves about theoretical futures that are still uncertain. I’m not asking you to lie, but I am telling you that your child needs love and support and reassurance. If they ask what’s going to happen come January, tell them that no one is completely sure yet, but we’re hoping everyone will work together to make the best choices for all the people in our country. Share your concerns and worry-talk with other adults. Your talk with your children should remain comforting and loving. Play a game with them. Read them a bedtime story. But, try to avoid adding to their fear.
 
Camp 2: “In Your Face” Victors
There have already been reports of young people chanting “White Power” in schools while holding Trump posters and yet others of young people yelling, “Build that wall” in cafeterias filled with children of immigrants.
 
No matter your political beliefs, no one likes a pompous winner. It’s okay for children to celebrate that their candidate won the election, but never at the expense of another’s feelings, and especially not a child’s.
 
What Do We Do As Parents?
If your family and/or child is pleased with the election results, teach him that there’s no shame in celebrating. It was a hard fought battle and the underdog prevailed. That’s the story of America, coming through when all odds are against us. So, your children have the right to be proud and not have to hide it. But, please teach them the difference between celebrating and gloating. Remind them not to instill or build upon fears that some may be feeling. If the tables were turned, you would expect the same respect for your own children. Victories can be wonderful. Bragging, not so much. Words that are meant to hurt…divisive; and now, more than ever, we need to teach our children unity, not divisiveness.
 
Camp 3: Middle of the Road
And then there are the kids who wanted Clinton in the White House, but are not fearful for their families’ futures, as well as the children who are pleased with the Trump victory, but have not separated themselves from their Clinton-supporting peers. These are the kids in the middle, the kids whose hearts are breaking for their friends who are unsure about their futures, and who stand by jaw-dropped, as their buddies chant words that cut deep and scare their friends.
 
What Do We Do As Parents?
It’s very possible that this is the most important post-election group, for they are the ones that can be the catalyst for healing. First, we need to be thankful, thankful that these children still feel like they are standing on solid ground, thankful that they know better than to make others feel powerless when they are most frightened. These children are the ones that can bring the first two camps back together. Show them how to support their peers who are scared and hurting. Teach them that winning is enough and that we never rub salt in the wounds of others. Help these children be the arms that reach both sides and bring them back together, bring these divided groups back to one group of children who may have different beliefs and cultures, but who don’t allow an election to force them apart, pitting them against one another. These children are the ones with the ability to rebuild broken bonds and replace anger and fear with care, love and hope.
 
And, when our kids can do this, maybe we can soon do the same.

I teach elementary school and Parent/Teacher Conferences are right around the corner for us. I have a terrific class this year, and one of the young ladies, I'll call her Rhonda, is a pleasure. She's polite, works hard, writes like nobody's business, and does extra credit. She smiles, has friends, and never causes a distraction.

Yesterday Rhonda's mother came to me. "I'm having some trouble with my daughter," she tells me. I can't imagine what the issue can be. So I ask.

"Rhonda doesn't want to do her homework. I have to argue with her each night in order for her to complete it. There's arguing and often tears." The mom is talking with me with Rhonda in the room as well as her two other sisters.

I tell mom what an ideal student Rhonda is in the classroom and at school, but that she so comfortable with Mom that she lets loose at home. I ask Rhonda why she acts this way at home and quietly she tells me that sometimes she doesn't want to do her homework. After a small pause I respond to Rhonda, "Then, don't do it."

Mom looks at me puzzled. I tell Mom, "After a hard day of work, you still have three girls to take care of. You don't need to know that you'll be fighting with Rhonda night after night. Tell her to get her homework done, and if she doesn't let her know there will be a consequence. Then, move on...and let me deal with it at school."

I told Mom that her life at home should not be a battle and if homework is the core of that battle, I'll have her do the work with me at recess, and if she needs to miss some of our fun activities to get the work done, so be it, but I want their home to be peaceful.

I remember when my girls were in grade school. they did their homework, but there were those days that they felt overwhelmed or frustrated and I would try to help, but if they started to lose it, I'd just tell them, "Don't do it." 

I think homework is important more because it teaches responsibility, but it shouldn't destroy the sanctity of home. So, if you are heading into conferences soon and your child is like Rhonda, consider asking the teacher to shoulder that homework burden so you can have the peace at home that the family deserves.

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/sad-learning-school-reading-544730/

Since I was a kid, I loved Halloween. Whenever it came around, I would decide Halloween was my favorite holiday...that is until December when I realized I really did like Christmas just a bit better.

For me, though, Halloween wasn't just a day to dress up. It was an opportunity to become someone else. In sixth grade I came to school dressed as Mae West...yes, that Mae West: a twelve-year old boy dressed like a sex symbol from the early days of the talkies.

A few years later, I was Charlie Chaplin...studied his movements, watched his films; I became the Little Tramp.

When my wife, Mary, and I started dating, we would have themed costumes. In college I dressed as Dave Letterman, and she was Paul Shaffer. In 1992, I rented the full-on gnarly Batman costume from a costume shop, and Mary made the best-ever Cat Woman outfit.

And, in those days, we had places to go in our costumes. We'd go to friends' parties or out on the town. That Batman year, we ran into a Penguin, and it was a blast playing our roles out and about.

Then, when we became parents, we involved our little one in our tradition: The Flintstones, with Pebbles; Popeye, Olive Oyl and Swee' Pea. Then we had our second daughter: Little Orphan Annie, Lilo and Stitch, Peter Pan.

Every year, we'd go to the downtown mall and walk about Trick-or-Treating with the kids, and people started to look forward to our annual arrival to see what we were going to pull off that year. Then, we'd head off to Sears for our yearly Halloween photos. One of my favorite memories was when we were dressed as The Incredibles and we were running late for our Sears' appointment. 

It was just like the scene in the movie with the super-family in the van. My wife was telling me what exit to get off at and where to turn. Then, we plowed out of the van, running through the parking lot and then through the store like a family of superheroes. The looks we got were priceless.

I know the holiday is really supposed to be about the kids, but deep inside I knew it was really about me. I mean, one year I dressed as Howie Mandel and my wife and daughters wore matching dresses and carried silver cases. We were the cast of Deal or No Deal. Guess I love the attention.

Then, it happened. Our oldest daughter was done doing the family costumes. It came out of left field. I wasn't prepared. I wish she could have just warned us (me), but it was time: "I think I'm not going to do the whole Sears thing this year," she said matter-of-factly. And that was that. It was over.

No! Just one more year. It would be a beautiful send off. We'd go as The Hunger Games. My oldest would be Katniss, her sister, Prim, my wife as Effie Trinket, and me as Caesar Flickerman. But, it was not meant to be.

We tried another costume with just the three of us that year, but things had changed too much too quickly, and our youngest decided she was ready to go solo as well, leaving just me and my wife. So, last year we started where we left off and went as a twosome: The Queen of Hearts and The Mad Hatter.

It'll take some getting used to, but we'll make the "new-old" Halloween work for us.

I can't believe it's come to this. This is now my reality....my kids don't know how to use a phone. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a smidge. My daughters can actually use a phone, but they just don't know how.

Am I the only father that feels this way? It's those cursed smart phones that have ruined my girls' ability to answer a house phone that is ringing and have a normal conversation with the person on the other end. And, God forbid, if they have to take a message!

My daughters won't answer the house phone...period. The phone rings, and to them that is the sound that only old people respond to. In this world of smart phones, and texts and Instagram and Twitter and SnapChat (I'm told that it's now just called "Snap"), there's really no reason to actually talk to someone on a phone. If for some reason you feel the need, then you just FaceTime them like Future-Marty McFly does in Back to the Future II.

I am so nervous to take a shower in my house when my wife is not home. I announce to my twelve and seventeen year old angels that I will be in the shower if I am needed. As soon as I turn on the water, I hear the ringing of the phone. So, what do I do? I yell over the din of the shower, "Get the phone! I'm in the shower!"

Ring.

"SOMEONE ANSWER THE PHONE! I'M SHOWERING!"

Ring.

Of course, like an idiot, I turn off the shower, try to towel off, and in doing so I hear the answering machine pick up. So, why am I rushing? Because, I am afraid that the person who is calling also lacks phone skills, and will not leave a message, although I paid good money for that machine. 

Of course, when I emerge dripping draped in a towel. I hear the beep and no message is left. "Why didn't you answer the phone?" I ask my girls.

"We didn't know you were in the shower."

Yesterday, I was in our garage working out, and in runs my youngest, Grace, with a ringing phone in her hand, holding it out in front of her like it was a potato straight from the oven. 

"Here," she shoves it at me. I take it and press the "Talk" button, only to hear a dial tone.

"Why didn't you answer it?" I ask. 

"I didn't know who it was."

Of course she didn't. Answering it would have solved that problem. 

I just long for the days when kids could answer a phone and tell the person on the other end to hold on a second, or to take a message because Dear Old Dad was on the John. Ah, the good old days.


image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/phone-eighties-old-green-keys-1662579/

It seems just like last week when my oldest, Riley, came home in eighth grade telling me and her mom that she had to come up with an original science experiment for the middle school science fair in January.

It was a lot of work, and it snuck up on her faster than she had expected, making her winter break more of a science symposium than a festive holiday break from school.

Well, here we are again. My youngest, Grace, is now where her sister was four years ago, coming up with a science project by tomorrow. It's Sunday afternoon as I write this and she's still not sure what she's going to turn in.

It sounds like Grace has been procrastinating, but in reality, she's done anything but procrastinate. She's been developing and researching ideas for a good part of the last two weeks. So, then, why all this last-minute scramble?

It's because her teacher seems a bit unreasonable. Mind you, the information I am getting is from Grace, so it may be exaggerated, but this isn't the first time that we've crossed paths with her; she was Riley's teacher in middle school as well.

Grace came up with an idea (I don't want to get into specifics, in case said teacher stumbles across this piece), but the teacher wasn't happen with it because she didn't feel that Grace was "passionate" about it. So, my daughter comes home and she, my wife and I brainstorms all sorts of interesting project ideas (side note: my wife and I both are public school educators as well).  The teacher shoots them down. Her reasoning: no one would ever do that in real life (of course not... that's what scientists do. They try things no one else would think of, duh!).

So, my daughter asks her for some ideas since the teacher has shot down all of hers. The teacher asks what she's interested in. Grace tells her, then she goes about giving her very vague ideas that the teacher can't fully conceptualize. So, Grace goes online and even asks a professional in the field who had won a couple of prestigious awards for ideas. No go!

The reason being: her teacher says: I don't like behavioral science projects and nothing with music, yet those fall right into the passion that the teacher said she should investigate. And, by the way, it says right there on the assignment sheet that one of the experiment choices could be behavioral science.

So, here we are, in the eleventh hour and Grace is unsure of what to do. You know what I want to do, right? I want to tell this woman that just because she doesn't like behavioral science or music doesn't mean that one of her students can't investigate it. It would be like me being a music teacher and offering a singing showcase, but not letting my students choose to sing opera because I can't connect to it!

But, instead, I step back (as hard as it was), and tell my daughter that there's no winning in this situation. If she chooses what she wants to do, the teacher will be angry because she's alraedy told her not to do them. If she does something else, it will just be jumping through hoops, because it's an assignment and it will have no meaning to her. I told her to accept that there's no winning this and that she'll have to accept what happens and move on.

You know what my kid did? Last night she did more research and found that what she really wants to investigate is something scientists are really studying and with trembling fingers she emails her teacher last night. She told her that she has been racking her brain, looking for a science project to make the teacher happy, but in reality, she's not excited by them. She attached links to the research, told her that it's legitimate science, and said she didn't want to have any regrets, so she's sending this email hoping her teacher will change her mind.

It's been fifteen hours, and no response yet. She has a back ip plan in case her teacher fails to respond and repeats her "no", but I was so proud of my girl for standing up for herself when Mom and Dad didn't step in. 

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/alternative-energy-biofuel-1042411/

Being a parent of a teen and a preteen can be confusing at times (most times, to be perfectly honest). Yesterday I was so proud of my teen, Riley (17). I'm an elementary school teacher, and had so much to bring with me yesterday, a box, a few bags, food, etc... I decided I would leave some of my items until the following day, because my mama was no octopus, thus I only have two arms.

When I got to school, I realized I did something I don't ever remember doing during the last twenty years of teaching; I forgot "the bag," the bag with my grade book, my lesson planner, my personal planner and my laptop... everything I need to survive in the classroom.

So, I text Riley, who drives, and asked if she could help me. She gets out of school a little before lunch and said she'd drive it to me around noon. What a life saver! 

My school is on the way to where she volunteers after school. So, I figured she just dropped by on her way to volunteer. Come to find out, she didn't volunteer that day. She drove fifteen minutes out of her day and back another fifteen minutes to help her old man. I was so proud of her...but, that was yesterday!

So, last Christmas Riley asked for a spy pen (yea, I know, a teenage girl with a pen that records video and audio), but she couldn't get it to work. The directions were in English but translated from Chinese and very confusing. So, after a few months she gave up on it and gave it to her little sister, Grace (12). 

Well, actually, Riley was going to sell it on Craigslist, but asked if anyone else in the house wanted it first. Grace took it and tried to figure it out. Still, no go. So, I was asked to put it up for sale on Craigslist. I sold the thing a few days ago for five bucks. Riley was gone when I sold it, but Grace was around and asked if she and her sister would split the money. I had no idea, and told Grace to talk to her sister about it.

So, today, here's how it went down. Riley says she should get the whole five bucks because it was a gift to her, and she was kind enough to offer it to her sister instead of selling it outright. Grace thought that since it was a gift to her after it was a gift to her sister, that they should split the money. They didn't agree, and I walked away, assuming they would work it out.

They didn't. I stepped in and told them I could see it from both of their points of view. Riley, my near-adult, the girl I was so pleased with for saving me yesterday, says, "It was my gift so I get the money", and closes her door like some kind of mutant Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Cholcolate Factory.

Of course this hurts her little sister's feelings, and Grace responds by saying, "Fine, you can have it all. It's only $2.50, anyway." I was sooo proud of her for taking the high road and even though she didn't want to give in on principle, she did because she knew it wasn't worth it, and two-fifty wasn't going to change either of their lives.

​What a difference a day makes!

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/money-cash-usd-two-dollar-bill-1459232/

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know I think highly of my two daughters (12 and 17): wholesome, intelligent, kind to others, no drugs, smoking or dating (I think).

But, you also know that over the last couple of years, I have become extremely frustrated with my eldest, Riley. Getting her to do her chores or any of her household responsibilities has been like pulling teeth. She's terribly responsible when it comes to school assignments and keeping up with her personal projects. But, we have to nag her daily: Are these your socks?, Please put away the dishes?, Text us your location so we know where you are.

And, on top of that, when she comes home, she disappears into her room, shuts the door, and comes out to grab food, then back to her room she goes to do school work, watch YouTube or interact with her Star Trek communicator (she calls it a cell phone).

We've tried family dinners where we catch up with one another, lists of responsibilities via the book Duct Tape Parenting, and taking away driving privileges until she takes care of her responsibilities. 

Nothing has seemed to work, and my wife and I are partly to blame. We should have been a bit tougher earlier. Now, it's hard to back track, but we haven't given up.

Riley's senior year of high school has her out of class by noon each day. So, she suddenly has all of this extra time, and she's decided to fill it by taking dance classes, doing extra school projects, volunteering at two children's centers, and taking a part-time dance choreography job.

She came home two weeks ago and something incredible happened; she tells me, "I'm basically a grown up," and goes on to tell me about her day: first she got to school early for a project, then right after school she came home and made a quick bite to eat, then headed off to volunteer, got back home to work on her homework, then went to her job. She told me there was so much to take care of.

Of course I wanted to tell her, "Hello! Welcome to our world," but instead I acknowledged how much she'd done, and on top of it all, the dishes had been put away. It's been like this since then. She sends her location without asking. She spends more time with the family. And, her room even looks presentable.

I think she needed responsibility on her terms, because once she filled her schedule with what was important to her, she found places in her schedule to be responsible for what is importance to us. My little girl is truly growing up.

There's a lot of interesting material out there on birth order: first borns are responsible, middle children are peacemakers, last borns are the fun ones, etc...

I've got two girls, Riley (17) and Grace (12), and I wonder how life in our house would be different had their birth order been reversed. See, now that Riley is seventeen, she is in her room whenever she's at home. She rarely comes out to spend time with us, and when se force her to, it's easy to tell she's there out of obligation and secretly wondering, When can I get back in my room?

Grace is very different than her sister. She's always been very emotional, but she's also been closer with family. Yet, recently, I find her stashed away in her room on her phone watching old episodes of Glee or FaceTiming friends. Although Riley has never been as family-oriented as her little sister, when she was twelve, she was out with us spending time with family (not out of obligation).

I'm thinking that Grace is taking after her sister. She sees that's what cool, teenage, big sisters do, so why not follow suit?

Yet, had Grace been first born, I think by the time she was seventeen, she'd have been spending more time with family than her seventeen-year old sister is now. And, although Riley is less of a family-girl, she would have seen her cool, teenage, big sister spending time with us, and probably followed suit...even when she turned seventeen herself.

Then again, maybe it's just the wishful thinking of a dad who misses spending time with his daughters and who longs for the days when they wanted to be part of the family landscape.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Aroldo

My eldest daughter, Riley, started her senior year in high school this week, and, guess what....she's actually been talking to me. What!?

Yes, it's true. Who'd a thunk that going back to school would bring me and Riley closer?    

Over the weekend Riley's friend backed her car into Riley's in a low-impact fender bender. So, we went out yesterday to a local body shop to get an estimate. On the drive over, Riley talked to me about school, friends, and just life. I didn't act surprised or overly happy... didn't want to scare her away.

Then, today, after I came home from work, I started working on dinner, and Riley came home soon after from her time volunteering at a local after school program for girls. As she ate her salad, Riley told me all about her day (I can't remember the last time she did this). She showed me her long term plans for projects she's working on. We talked about colleges, scholarships and moving out in a year.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Riley became metacognitive with me and voiced the fact that she realized that we were spending more time together communicating. I said, "Oh yea, guess so. Didn't really notice."

Apparently, she says that going back to school has inspired her. She feels motivated to do things: projects, volunteer, schoolwork, and (get this) communicate with Daddy. I think that it may have hit her that she has only 300 days or so left with us here at home, and that she wants to make the most of it.

Never would have thought going back to school would have brought us closer...but, it has. Here's to a great school year!

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/personal-children-school-1044111/

My daughter, Riley, is seventeen years old. She'll be starting her senior year in high school next week. Early this summer she asked if she and her friends could go on a road trip (this was right around the time Riley had gotten her driver's license). Her mom, Mary, said "We'll think about it." That means, I wasn't allowed to say what I was feeling, which was "No way!"

Mary later explained that she wanted to give Riley some time. She and her friends come up with ideas, but often never follow through. That's why Mary said we'd think about it. Odds were, it would never happen, and Riley would feel that we respected her enough not to say, "No way!" immediately, which is precisely what I had wanted to do. There's definitely a reason I let my wife speak first.

Mary and I spoke and we concluded that if Riley and her friends really planned to follow through with this idea, that we'd have to politely tell her "no."

Our reasoning:
1. We didn't know where she'd be exactly (Riley had been unsure).
2. Those girls are too young to stay in hotels.
3. Even if they weren't, where'd they get the money?
4. Even if they got the money, it's just too dangerous. And,
5. Riley is a child still. Her prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. Besides, if something were to happen, CPS would be all up on us for not taking proper care of our daughter.

Guess what! A couple weeks ago we find out that the girls were planning to go through with this after all. Riley asked, "So, what about the road trip?" We sat our daughter down and told her how much we trusted her, but that we just couldn't let her go on a road trip with two other teens for four days, and we laid down the list above.

But, then Riley told us things we didn't know. Mary and I talked alone, and I can't believe it, but we let her go. She's in Tahoe right this moment. I know, what irresponsible parents, right? But, before you call Child Protective Services on us, here's what changed our minds:

1. The two other girls she was traveling with are really good kids.
2. It was for one of the girl's (Sasha's) birthday. And, Sasha is the most straight-laced teen I've ever met: incredible grades, polite, goes to bed early, terribly responsible.
3. Sasha would be driving (been driving for two years, has changed a tire, has called AAA).
4. Sasha's parents gave the trip their blessings, and they are self-proclaimed "hoverers." They keep a close watch over her. "The Eagle-Eyes" we call them.
5. They would be staying with Sasha's aunts, cousins and sister along the way.
6. We had an itinerary, addresses and phone number put on a spread sheet, just in case.

We asked Riley, "What happens if Sasha goes to sleep at 10:30 one evening and you and your other friend decide to get up and explore." 

"We wouldn't ditch, Sasha. This is her birthday trip!"

We really put thought into it, and realized that we would let Riley go on a road trip with her friends four hours to spend the night at a family friend's home. So, what's the difference if she comes back home or travels to another family friend's home? We felt comfortable with who she was traveling and staying with.

So, they've been gone for their four days. They drive back today. Riley texts us daily and we speak every night. She's more communicative with us since she's been gone. They've had so much fun: hiking, canoeing, rock climbing, exploring San Francisco's Pier 39 and more, a trip they'll never forget. Turns out Sasha is almost more of a parent than we are: not allowing loud music in the car as she drives, dissuading her friends from buying unhealthy food, recommending going to bed early, and having that "parent GPS" (always knowing how to get back from where they started).

I am so glad that Riley, Sasha, and Sasha's parents made it easy for us to give Riley a thumbs-up for this trip. She's growing up. We have to start letting go now so that when she becomes an adult it won't be so hard on us. And, it helps that she can prove her responsibility and that she can make good choices.